Pondering in Awe

The following will sound, at first, like this post is all about my money and finances, but you'll see that it's really about how sometimes you just need to stand in awe about how good God is. About a month ago I bought my macbook, which I'm typing on right now. But it was actually my dad who paid for it on his credit card, and then I'd have to pay him back when the bill would come, which is about now.

Lately, as in the winter time, McDonald's get slower, which leads to getting less hours. At least for me. I can't speak for anyone else. But none the less, there's a debt that needs to be paid. $3,300. That's for the computer, plus insurance, an iPod, iPod insurance, accessories, back up hard drive, and I'm sure other things as well. Now I know that that's a huge number, but I've been saving since like I first started working. I'm not a lunatic.

So I've been saving, but coming up to the time I didn't know whether I would be a hundred dollars short or something because of the loss of work time.

Normally, when I get paid I'll get a pay stub explaining how the amount deposited in my account came to be the number that it is. This is basically always every second Thursday, but this last time it was a day earlier. I think it had something to do with the day that Christmas fell on. I don't know how it works. Anyways, I didn't get a pay stub, it wasn't available when I asked for it, so I don't know how it happened but the last one was more than I think I've ever gotten at once.

After figuring out what I would give for a tithe, and transferring amount I've budgeted for the computer (my savings account), I looked at both my checking and savings accounts and saw that God was very good. I could write a check for 33 hundred to my dad and still have $25 in the savings account (enough to keep it open), $100 in my personal account (a solid amount to just have as back up or personal expenses, whatever they may be). And that's without considering the $115 that I've ended up with in my wallet after this Christmas. That's exactly what I need to go to snocamp next month.

Just in case you've missed it, I see grace written all over these numbers. My life is utterly dependent on grace, all the time. Especially because honestly, I am just a far cry from anything close to perfect. Really. Perfect people don't need grace. I think this is more clear when you get to look at my devotional habits. It's just bad, not good. Many areas as well, but I'll just mention that one for now because that's what I feel hurting me the most. Also though, indecisiveness is another thing. In this entry, I don't know have enough words/energy left to really write about it. But I'm thankful for grace. Financial grace. Spiritual grace. Life grace. Grace all over the place.

I don't even want to even say anything more because it just feels like so much work. But next year is always on my mind of the late. Do I go to college next year? Do I stay home another year? Do I even have enough time left to get a decent portfolio together? If I stay home another year, will that make it harder to go the year after? What am I even doing? Purpose? What is that? Does that have more to do with talent or passion? Does it matter? Shouldn't a person career or job be in sync with a person's purpose? Will people look at me as a failure if I don't go this next year? Can anyone one relate with this? No doubt, but I still have to face these questions.

Let me just copy and paste an email I sent to three people: my pastor, a very good friend who's about 20 extra years of wisdom packed into her than me, and another friend who I'm beginning to know and trust increasingly more.

_________________

Here it is:

Howdy y'all, haha,

So I've been thinking about going to some college for graphic design, which I guess seems well enough. I think that if I could put the work into getting accepted, then I could do fine with whatever the program offers. But I don't know, I can do well with art, and when I try I can even do really well. It's just that I'm really not all that passionate about it. Looking at other work and appreciating it is different than making the stuff yourself.

I can tell you what I love most. I love getting into the heads of other people and learning how they think, why they do the things that they do. I don't really know if I can go anywhere with that.

I would still like to apply and try and get a portfolio together to keep my options open but I'm not secure in going in this direction. I feel like there's been way too little prayer over such an important matter. I really don't wanna waste loads of money and like three years of my life, if it's only to put another tool in the bag and leave me nowhere.

Asides from getting a bigger pay check I don't see any reason why going to college is any better than staying at McDonald's. That's the other thing. I don't really think that I want to stay forever but at least for the time that I have now I really do love working there. I like it a lot. I love the people, I love being able to work as part of a team with them. I love how it's hands on. It's not boring, especially when it's busy. I've been able to build relationships with the people that I work with and even some of the regular customers. I know that [at least some] people can see that I'm different.

There's this one girl, Robin, I don't even know what to say. There was some 'are you a player?' quiz in the paper and I got to say something about how sex is for marriage. And she hates this other woman we both work with, and every time it comes up I try and say or communicate something to the point of loving people if they don't like you. I even think that just by not using the same dirtball language she uses, she's noticing.

She knows I'm a Christian and I've tried to talk to her about Jesus once. She's been asking that'd I'd tell her about stuff that comes up at church, like events and things. I don't think she's interested in Sunday stuff, at least not yet. It's hard though, because there's really nothing for the college and career age group right now. She's 22 and wouldn't exactly be able to fit into the youth group scene. I told her about sno camp but she said she wouldn't be able to afford it. Could there be some kind of guest discount? Maybe I could pay the rest of the way if she still couldn't afford it.

She's just one person I love. Then there's Hong, and Christina, and Jessika (sounds like Yessica, she's a Christian too), and lots of others too. I love them all sooo much.

So back to what I was trying to say. God's given me something really good here. And when I say that I'm thankful for being here, it's more than just being thankful for the pay check it lets me get. There's so many opportunities and I just don't want to give it up for some shaky idea in my head because it's the thing people are supposed to do. Does any of this even make sense? Is there anything to what I'm saying, or what am I even trying to say? I'm just aching for purpose and I feel like I have more purpose here than I've had anywhere. But I also want to be wise. I really just don't know anything, feel free to shed some light on the situation, if you want. If there's anything inconsistent or wrong in something that I've said, please talk with me.

Okay, that's all I think. Thanks.

_____________

I didn't reread it. I hope that there's nothing in there that shouldn't be on the Internet. I guess the whole thing shouldn't be up, but oh well.

My pastor's the only one to reply. He wrote "Hey,
Read your email, happy to talk, but want time to pray about a lot of what you wrote first. Give me a call in a couple of days."

I haven't called him yet. I've been busy with Christmas stuff but have every intention to talk with him as soon as possible. I'm very thankful that I have a pastor who wants to pray for me.

I expanded my thoughts on this earlier tonight, without writing them down. Nothing terribly profound though. No answers. And, by the way, this is related to what I had first began to write at the beginning, because first of all, no one thing in my life is isolated from anything else, and secondly, seeing the numbers work out before me is tangible evidence that God is in control, strengthening my faith that He has plans for me. And they're good; I have reason to hope.

I just can't wait to see how things will work out. But one day at a time, right? I should really be ending this soon so I'm not dead tomorrow. I'm at my grandparents house tonight, and just in a general way, my Papa said something like, "What we can't do today, we can do tomorrow, and what we can't do tomorrow, we can do Monday, and then again the next day." And I continued "And so on and so on". And then I thing he said something like: "But the important thing is that we get enough rest today, so that none of us gets sick". Then I wondered to myself whether that could be considered metaphorical or not.

Even though, I amaze myself with how long some of these end up being, I want to make the slightest effort to recapture the thoughts I was thinking earlier. If I don't, they'll be, at least mostly, gone by the time I wake up tomorrow. I am tired.

So next year is the thing at hand. Is McDonald's a waiting room or a home. I see problems, or uncertainties about going through with graphic design. I'm hesitant to call them doubts, but they may as well be. The biggest one of course being passion or lack therefor of it for it. Though I love where I am for the moment and know that it is very good, I just can't see it as home forever. So then what?

Well, I touched on it in the email. "I can tell you what I love most. I love getting into the heads of other people and learning how they think, why they do the things that they do. I don't really know if I can go anywhere with that." And that's like the tip of the tip of the iceberg.

I will quote from the movie Avatar "I see you". I love that movie btw, though some things trouble me about. I need to see it in 3d.

I wish I could say that to everyone. To strangers, to friends, to lots of people. I don't feel clever enough in this moment to describe all the people I wish I could say that to, but just lots of people. So let me explain what the quote means. "I see you", in the land of Pandora, they say is more like "I see into you", which to me comes across as "I know you" or even possibly as "I love you". That's to me, not to everyone, because that's just how I understand it. I would love to see everyone when they pull away their masks. I would love to see everyone see me with mine pulled away, and who they would be if our interactions were determined in complete independence of image, social ideologies, insecurities, stuff, whatever.

Anyways, I'm tired. I've been tired for a while now. I know there's more there, but it's not even coming out as well as it was coming out in thought a few hours ago. So I'll pull the pull on this little thing for now. Maybe work on the thought more tomorrow; it's important to me. Work it out on paper, then maybe do some copying. Somehow how things just turn out better on paper when I have energy than on here ever. And now my music's starting to replay. Kill me now, eh? I want to talk like that. I wasn't even planning on coming on here.... And the title makes no sense with everything that's been written rather that the earlier thought. Oh well. I'm not changing it now.

'Night!

A Notebook

I like books. And I also just like the idea of pen to paper. As opposed to a keyboard hooked up to a computer.

I'd like to get together the some kind of notebook that fits my needs but at the same time not be overly complicated. In some way I'd like to have it organized to fit these five general groupings: sketches, poetry, thoughts, extended thoughts (like journals, or just longer thoughts), wisdom. Maybe, also just an others section too.

If you have any suggestions or potential contributions to material that could be kept in there, your ideas are welcome. Thanks.

A Life First for Me

Wow. Today I was on Facebook. Wrote something in my status. A friend commented on it and I clicked on him to check his profile because talked to him in a while. The last time I actually saw him was when he stopped in to McDonald's a while ago. But anyways, I immediately went to his relationship status, to see if he and his girlfriend were still together or not because two of my other friends broke up because of post-secondary education turkey dump type thing. When I look to it, he was listed as engaged. Not really a shock because of who they are, but still a shock. A life shock, like wow, people my age, the first two that I actually know myself, are already engaged. He said that it wouldn't be for like another four years when they're finished school or whatever, but he was happy. ...She's not his girlfriend anymore, but rather his fiance. Wow.

I have separate, unrelated thoughts now to put on paper. Very rough thoughts. Unorganized thoughts, that first need to be sorted so I can have a clear view of the direction they're going - taking me. I think that if I can do that I would like to get them typed and posted. Until then, I can tell that pregnant women amaze me. Just pregnancies in general. Growing beings inside a womb. And what disgusting things abortions are. I'll save anything else for later.

I Now Vlog

Hmmmmmm...

I miss this place, so much.

This might turn out sad.

And I might be too tired to write. I might not have the time to finish this before myself prescribed bedtime of 10 o'clock.

BUT. First of all I just want to congratulate Dragonfly. So far I have not heard any news. And for the moment I would like to just consider that irrelevant, even though it's not, because she's amazing and this pregnancy thing has done nothing but add to that, and I love her. I pray all is going well. I expect her to be born by the time anyone reads this anyways.

My thought for this, though, was simply that I'm giving up the idea of marriage. I"m eighteen, I'm single, I've never had a boyfriend, I'm a virgin, there's nothing wrong with me. That's probably too much to put out there, but true none the less. And yet I'm giving it up. I'm giving up the idea of children, and therefore also my dreams for sex within a marriage relationship, the way God intended it to be.

And here's my reasoning. It's too big for me; it's out of my control. Men are the ones who are meant to pursue. I suppose there are things I could do to draw more attention to myself. I suppose I could become more flirtatious, or this, or that. But I just want to be myself and that's who I would want whomever to be attracted to.

Honestly, I just don't want to put my hope in some future relationship just to be let down if it doesn't happen. I know that there's a time to give and to trust and to risk getting hurt and I think that's just fine. I'm just talking in general though. If I live to be in my 80s or 90s and no man is ever attracted to me, I don't want to feel like a failure because this dream never comes true. Whether I get married or not doesn't change my worth. Same thing with children.

My only choice is just to give it all to God, to Jesus. He is my dependency and my hope, and I am His bride.

It's out of my control whether I get married or not, whether any man I find pleasing should take interest in me or not. So my hope is in Jesus. I don't know if I'll ever be able to shut down the search system or my awareness of who's coming and going in my life, or stop thinking "maybe?"... Even if that would be best, even if that's what all this means I want.

You see, I desire relationships. Relationships of all kinds. I especially just like spending time with my church family. If perfect community and love could just happen there I truly believe that a desire for a spouse wouldn't be so great.

Right now, I would really just like to a few really close friends girls and/or guys who would just be willing to play a full game of Monopoly with me. Or just make some fun youtube videos with me. Or get involved in something outside of the church with me to draw outsiders to Jesus. At present, that's what I want more than anything.

Maybe one day that what my marriage will look like, but if it never happens I'm ok with that. Good on me. Though I can't recall it now, I know there's some passage in the Bible that says in essence that if you can bear not getting married then don't get married, but if getting married is all you can do to stop yourself from burning up in sexual passion, get married. Obviously, like any other living person, I have sexual passions, but I'll never let that control me.

I have more thoughts that I just can't seem to put together to make sense. I've reached my bedtime. So I'll close by just saying that for as long as I have the freedom of my independence, I'll enjoy it and be thankful for it. Should I get married I'll enjoy and be thankful for the gift of being able to give to another person and enjoy married people things. Either way, Jesus is God, He's in control, and all praise and thanks will forever be to Him. Amen?



Amen!

Awwlright-

So I wrote a poem. Here it is.
Titled: An Invitation

O man
You stand at great height
The flight down-_____steep
Do not step back

Now focalize, seek the land
So use your eyes, grasp it's shape

Before you many routes
Choose wisely, choose one
Move forward

O man
You stand at such great height
Where your journey
Your labour
Is to discover

Be all but stationary
When your feet move
Your journey begins
And I cannot control

O man
Do not pass me by-
My sloping sides

Hold your place-
Touch my luscious green

Find my flowers-
Visit their beauty

Discover yet
With passion
Discover yet
Discover yet

O man
Palpate my shadows
Though dimly lit
I have cool walls
Stumble if you must
This is my entry

Search me out
For my sloping sides
They are deep with longing
Search me out
Or please step back

Palpate my shadows
Come crawl in
Please-
______Find this jewel

O man
I am a hill
_______Rest
O man
I am a cave
_______Delve
O man
I am a woman
_______Treasure

If I so please you
Build your house
If you so know me
Make our home
In Christ alone

O man
I simply query
Who are you?
Could you ever
Ever pass me by?

I'm sad.

I miss everyone. Maybe it's childish, but I don't wanna blog if no one else is.

But if anyone cares to check this blog and wants to know. This year I'll be working at McDonald's, saving money. I might go to school for web design next year. I love my church and that's about it. I'm done.

Just for the heck of it.

I'm gonna give you my review of the Time Traveler's Wife.

First of all, if you know nothing at all about it. It's a romance. And I'm not all that into romances. That doesn't mean I'm going to be all biased or whatever. But this'll be my report, take it with a grain of salt. And I haven't read the book.

[Pause good song is playing right now]

Alright, I'm back. I don't know where to start. The whole time travel thing makes perfect sense to me after watching that movie. Perfect golden sense. But my sister who saw it with me didn't feel the same way. And since that's somewhat important to understanding the movie I'll try and quickly explain it as I see it. There may be other ways of explaining it but I think this fits everything.

1) All events (past, present and future) are set, meaning that they can't be changed by someone moving through the gears of time.
2) Every person has a normal birthday, death-day and years in between. Eg. I'm eighteen now, the age that I am naturally right now. (Normal) This rule includes time travelers.
3) Time traveling basically means to leave your "Normal time", what we think of as the present, to another time.
4) You can time travel more than once at the same time. This would happen like this: If I were a time traveler my eighteen-year-old self could time travel to 2 years ago, but also at the same time my 48-year-old self could travel to the time when I would normally be eighteen.
5) Rule #4 can sometimes mean that there would be two ages of the same person alive at the same time. This might be hard to understand. Here's the scenario: So the 18-year-old me goes to the normative 16-year-old time, and if the 16-year-old version wasn't timetraveling when I got there, there would be two of me. Understand? You can look at like this. The normal time is the home time. Timetravelling means leaving the home time to visit another time. You go as a visitor, a guest and the host-age version of you could either be there or not depending on whether or not they are time traveling sometime else.
So if the host of the home time is there to greet you when you leave your present home time as a visitor by time traveling to them, there would be two people as yourself during that time who are different ages. This can play out into a lot of different situations.

That's the best I can do. I hope that makes a bit of sense.

Now, what to say about the movie? Um, okay. So the movies, called the Time Traveler's Wife. I found that having that the movie followed Henry (the time traveling husband) wherever he went, that the focus on him was over done. I think the balance to it all was off.

There was one time in the movie when he was gone for two weeks after they married. And I'm not sure that I can say that I recall seeing anything about the wife during the time. Just her being upset when he got back. I think that they might have just glossed over her by showing her cleaning or working for like two seconds. In that time there was so much potential to dive into her character. They could have shown her having a conversation with a friend expressing how she felt, rather than just leaving it to the audience to guess. It's not like we can have a conversation with her ourselves.

You do see quite a bit of the marriage though, the good times and the bad times. Different important events. [SPOILER, not really but kind of] The birth of his daughter and his death.

[OK, SPOILER'S PAST] In the end, I thought to myself "Okay, pretty good movie. Interesting scenarios and what not. I guess that's as good as it gets for a movie, what more do you want?" (Yes, I do talk to myself) But in that thought there's the idea that movies can only take you so far into a story is there. I really think that movies have such potential to be great with an equally good idea. So I'd label this movie average. I think it lacked character depth beyond the events that were shown on the screen. I buy movies that I think are trully great, and that's a rare thing.

So would I watch it again? If somebody else bought it on dvd when it comes out or paid for me to go to the theatres with them, I would see it again. I wouldn't, however spend my personal money to watch it again. I might be interested in reading the book, but I find it hard to take time to read fictional stuff, and again - the money. I won't spend my own on it.

Sexuality/modesty? Well, it's rated PG-13 and it's about a marriage. They have sex undoubtedly. Later on they have a daughter... so, y'know, it happens. In one of the first scenes they have sex before even marrying. The guy hardly knows her though she's known him for like her whole life. But that justifies nothing. As for what you see on screen, both naked butts but no breasts or frontal reproductive parts. So yeah... I wouldn't let 13-year-olds see it. My brother's 12, I wouldn't let him see it a year from now, definitely not because of this content.

There's some cursing and violence, though sadly that's somewhat expected.

I did like the movie though. Pretty good. Maybe a 3.5/5 for how much I liked it. After seeing it though, I just wanted to come home, grad my Bible and read some real romance about Jesus Christ and His bride.

Unrelated after thought: Is Winner's only a Canadian store, or is it in the States too? I got a great Billabong sweater that I'd never be able to afford in an actual Billabong store or West 49 or wherever Billabong stuff is sold. Winner's is a liquidation store, what would I do without it?

"I should go for more walks"

Ahh too funny. I haven't been to my home church all summer but today I went today. The guy that I've mentioned a couple times saying that I like (two years older, strong Christian leader - pastor in training, body builder) - I still like him, he gave the sermon today.

It was one of my mom's friends, a woman in her 70s who never married, very nice ladie, she drove me home. She was talking about how he was so great. He spoke really well. And we were talking about him for a few minutes or so. She asked me where he lived and I told her that he lived on a nearby street. She told me I should go for more walks. That I should stop letting my mom walk the dog all the time.

Too funny. Clearly she meant I should get to know him more because he's a good guy, which is exactly what I want but she doesn't know that I like him. I'm asking God to arrange things so that I can marry him. But more than asking for a husband when I'm eighteen or even a boyfriend, what I'd like most to have with this man right now is a good solid conversation about church. I'd like to know what his plans are and what he hopes for when he goes to plant church. But he's a solid guy and I'd like to get to know him better.

On a different note, I have an interview tomorrow. I applied for an intership with MBC/Fair Havens. All the references and things got worked out. I wrote a bit about this in my last note. But yeah, if anyone reads this before tomorrow, if you could be praying that the interview goes well tomorrow. But more importantly that no matter whether the interview goes well or not or whether I get in, that my trust remains in Jesus for my purpose and for this coming year, for a future spouse, and whatever else might come my way.

That is what is on my mind. That's all folks! You can go home now. Seriously. OK.....

bit of a word

So I thought I'd just leave a quick update date for y'all.

I got back from the cnc canoe trip on Monday. Four days long, lots of fun. Now I'm hanging around home, trying to go through the application process for an 8 month internship with two Christian camp type places. Getting accepted would also mean going to Costa Rica in January for month. So I'm hoping and praying. But I still need to finished apply and getting my references in order.

That's pretty much it. Pretty much the first time a quick update has been "quick".

But just a thought... Am I the only who things having a vlog would be super cool? I got a video camera for my birthday, so I suppose it could happen. It would require creativity. Sounds fun. Check out Strawburry17 on youtube. Just found her today on there; she seems pretty neat.

I'm almost Georgian, but not really

So anniversary week was this past one. I spent most of it with 10 crazy Georgian relatives of mine. If I've counted correctly, there was 16 people all living in my granparents' house with two washrooms with only one having a shower. I really don't see that part of my family enough the last time I saw my oldest cousin who is now 30 was six years ago. Now her children that I knew are much bigger and she has a new baby girl (she is so cute!!! absolutely adorable - 10 month old and one of the most beautiful [headbutting] babies I have ever seen, without being bias of course...)

Hey, so I did some research on google to find what her kids would be to me and they would be my first cousins once removed (not second cousins). I can't really explain it well over this blog why but the "removed" part comes from the fact there's an extra generation seperating her from the common ancestors (my granparents). There's 2 for me and 3 for them. Their children will be my first cousins twice removed. Well, I guess you can look it up yourself and figure it out.

But I really don't see them enough of them. Seriously they're such great people. I played Settler's of Catan/Cities and Knights/Seafarers too many times. (If you like stragety games, they're the best board games you can find!). I went to the park and played freeze tag almost everyday with my cousins. I'll tell you a funny story about one of the first nights when I finish this little list. I played a number of games that forced the creativity out of me with one of my cousin's 7 year old daughter. Ummm. Lots of other stuff. Not having a TV and a big family is fun! I had my first Boston Cream this week, they're good!

So the story. Twas probably the Tuesday I think. We (meaning me, my siblings, 2 of my guy georgian cousins, and their oldest nephew and niece, hope that makes sense) were at the park playing freeze tag. It's getting late and my brother's trying to ambush me into getting tagged, when one of my cousins who we'll call Josh, realized that he got a gash in his toe (smart of him not to wear shoes) and was bleeding. So we leave the park. Josh's nephew is the first to get home who exclaims to all the adults at home "Josh is bleeding Josh is bleeding!" His mother, Josh's older sister, who we'll call Rachael jets outside still holding her youngest calling for her "baby". I, thinking she was freaking out the entire time we were at the park about her daughter being out, reply "I've got your baby!" (because I was walking with her - we were tight). But instead Rechael comes running to Josh and tells him to get on her back. So he gets on even though it's just a relatively minor cut, and she's trying to run back. I'm watching the whole thing and decide that I could be help and try to pick up Josh's feet, resulting in them both falling to the ground. Thinking she had just been pushed cries out "Who did that?!" At the time, I was trying not to laugh because I thought it was hilarious but nobody else did. Amongst my surpressed laughter I apologizingly admit to it. I actually apologized many times through out the week. Her bruised knees kept bring the subject up. But after they fell she realized that it wasn't as serious as thought and walked the remaining 20 feet. Joshy got some booboo juice and a waterproof Joe Jonas band-aid later on.

I don't know if I've written that in a way that sounds funny but I couldn't couldn't stop laughing the entire. One of my other cousin is a practising comic, maybe if I were him I'd be able to tell it better but he didn't witness the scene. (Andrew Duvall, I haven't seen the videos but apparently he's on youtube, though not his best stuff. It might not all be clean, he's not a Christian so far as I know) I guess it was more the expressions and the whole rediculous drama; I guess you would have just had to have been there... :S I don't know.

More importantly in my mind, I really want to get to know my cousin Rachael better. I'm drawn to her in a way that perhaps a youger sister is drawn to an older sister. But I can't tell you for sure since I don't have any older siblings. I just want to know her better. I'm intrigued by all the things I could ask her about that I don't know about her. 11 years ago she was in a similar situation to Dragonfly. Unwed and expecting her first child at nineteen. Fortunately, God blessed her with a man who married her and accepted both her and her son. But for example, I could ask her what it was like to go through that or being married.

The night before the bunch left to return home my sister and I were chatting with her while I was giving her a back massage (people tell me I'm good) and the whole thing was just very good, like it wasn't just meaningless banter, I got to know her better from it.

It was also just nice because it was late at night and her three children were in bed. I love them all and their southern talk so so much but sometimes it just seems like her attention is somehow always taken by them. And sometimes, in those moments, I'd wish she could just take a brake from parenthood and give me some attention because we only have the week together until at least another year.

She was saying that she hadn't been able to get any good rest that week because she'd been worrying about our Papa and how her parents would react if the dreaded news were to arrive ever so shortly after the 60th anniverasry. The following day she credited the good rest she got to the massage I gave her, but I told her that I had prayed that God would give her rest. So I'm thankful that she got some much needed rest.

I almost went back to Georgia where I would've been able to stay at her house to help babysit or pack for her family's new house they're moving to and I would've been able to have more one-on-one, face-to-face conversations with her. That was my parents slammed reality in to my face telling me that I simply didn't have the money to get back... They simply weren't willing to let themselves spontaneously go into dept for the adventure of my life. They also wouldn't let me go into dept to them for it either, but I don't think they're honestly to blame. I'm an adult now. I have to gain independancy one day. I have to be able to provide for myself one day. And doing that wouldn't really help me out in the long run. The sense is all here, although the fun was in the thought of going. But not really. Getting my hopes up was fun like getting all pumped to hear your first joke, anticipating the punchline and then having the comedian die right before you hear it is fun. Rather disappointing.

So the actual anniversary was very good on Saturday the 18th. I served food. My Papa got to dedicate his great granddaughter, Rachael's youngest, to the Lord. There was probably 3- maybe even 400 people there. And the whole thing was very beautiful.

Just shortly now, a note on camp. I called one of my friends who went, asking for the report. ........And they had no kids. I'm not joking. The community that had planned to come cancelled, so they essentially did PR work in the city to get a good name out for Eagle's Cove by doing day camps in different areas.

What I've learned is that you should never think that you know everything about any situation when bringing it before God in prayer, and that all plans belong to God and that He's big to handle any given task.

I think that's all I really have to say right now. Quite a bit, eh?

Camp Week

Hey so, this is the beginning of the week of camp for my friends who are going up to Thunder Bay. If you guys could just be praying that God would do some really great things up there whenever you think of it, much thanks to youu.

This week I'll be at my grandparents. I get to see all my cousins together again. I'm so excited!!! I love it when we're all together. But another prayer request - my Papa had mini stroke recently so his well being is something of concern, espescially before the anniversary. Pray that he would get better please.

I got a video camera which I'm super excited to start using for cool things. I've just kind of been playing around with it so far. I wanna do some video journals - that sounds fun!

Now cool story. When I had finished grade 1 I moved with my family to where I live now. But I always remembered some of my friends from kindergarten and grade 1. I found one of them on facebook like a year ago and was disappointed to see who he had become because it's the total opposite of the kind of friend I would want now. I remember him being fun, smart and creative (and honestly wanted to marry, when we were in grade one). But he's just different.

Then, I find my gr1 class photo. Recheck his fb page. Start looking through some pictures and find the kindergarten photo and tagged was one of my other friends who's last name I couldn't remember. I decided to add her and we've been chatting and I would definitely call her a Christian based on what I know. She's an Egyptian, (how cool, right?) so she's of the Coptic Orthodox "brand" I'll say. I think there's a few minor theological differences but Jesus is definitely Lord. So it's just really cool and I hope to keep chatting with her some more. She seems like a really cool person and as disappointed as I was about the first guy, I'm excited that I found her. Pretty cool... :)

Hello again :)

Hi. I guess I'm finished my fast now. I had originally planned on posting something for the first but that turned out to be a bad day. I've been away this past week living with some cousins. Went camping, did some cliff jumping, dog walking, campfires ...oh and some unplanned skinny dipping one evening before the sun even set(nothing happened, no one saw though). Fun stuff!

So obviously I'm out of the loop and have got some catching up to do in time. I was kind of hoping that Sam would have something new up. but I've been learning a lot. I've got a really great C&C group that I actually need to be getting ready to go to right now... but it's awesome, way closer to what church is really is supposed to be like and I absolutely love it!

I should be posting more, summer can get a bit inconsistent but you know, I'm 'round. Feel free to check up on me if you wanna hear from me and you haven't. Ummm. I've really got go turn off my stove. So ya I've miss you guys, thanks for the prayers!

Fast

Tonight at C&C the Spirit of God did something very, very big that shows promise of much more. I learned a lot and I have much to learn. But I'm going to be taking a fast from the blog for a while so I can really really just focus on God during this time. I can't say how long the fast'll be but I'm not just ditching or anything like I did before.

Big things, my friends, God has very big things planned.

yeah...i like a boy. same one as the last one i mentioned most recently a while ago. probably the guy i've ever considered most seriously before. but i really need to focus on jesus. and i want to talk to him more.

Camp Email, I'll Tell You

Here's the email I just sent. I figure there's no harm in just giving them to you to do what you like with them. The week they'll be up is the 12th through 18th this July. I didn't write it, but you could also be praying for safe driving because it's a 17 hour drive. Both ways. Thanks, you guys are awesome.

Subject: prayer requests for camp
Date: Sat, 6 Jun 2009 11:53:50 -0400

General (all very important!!!)

-testimonies
-teamness/togetherness
-teaching
**the kids!**

People

Jessie - kitch/ music/ crafts
Pray for small groups

Patti - floater
Pray for kids coming to know Jesus as LORD

Alli - wide games/ lifeguarding/ music
Pray for her to be willing to give up her time regradless of tiredness when needed{selflessness}

Kelsey - music/ everything
Pray for her WELLNESS!

Nikki - counselor
Pray for relationship building

Jones - maintenance/ driver
Pray for him to be a good example & light by God's strength

Adam - general help/ maintenance
Pray for health (diabetes) and growth in personal walk with Jesus

Clarence - maintenance/ fishing/ paintballer
Pray for his energy and strength and being a good example

Nino - head cook/ kitchen
Pray that he would show love to the kids, that he would be a good listen for the kids to open up to and that he would have no fear

Gord - counselor
Pray for the building of relationships, that he would be sensitive to the Holy Spirit, and that he would be a good example and light

Terry - sub counselor
Pray that there would be less fighting and that people would see Jesus

Jodi - speaking/ chapel
Pray that she would follow the LORD's leading

If you guys could all be praying that I could pray for you faithfully that would be awesome! For the people who weren't there on Thursday, feel free to email me with anything you'd like to have prayed for. Oh yeah, and Jodi, could you email the small group material and the stuff you'll be teaching on?

Thanks everyone, and all the glory goes to Jesus!

Yesterday was prom.

And I didn't go. I had no problem with that choice. I have friends I could've gone with but somehow it's just not that big of deal. My mom seemed to think that I must've been lonely, for not going to prom and all. Nope, that wasn't the case. Yeah, I don't know it just wasn't a big deal to me. I don't know. Not my scene. Most of my peers are probably partying on some beach right now and they'll get drunk tonight.
I think my feelings towards it all are rooted in my feeling towards all of highschool - I'm not crazy over it.

Anyways, more important news. Whether I've told you or not, I'm not going to Thunder Bay this year but I'm just as much a part of the team. There was a meeting on Thursday for it and I've committed to praying for the camp, the staff, the campers and anything else to do with it hardcore that week and prior to it. The people there are so important to me.

So I'll tell you the same things I told my friends going when I asked for their prayer requests (ooo reminder I needed to email those today to them...). I'm not the best pray-er so if you guys could be praying that I would continue to be praying for them, that would mean so much! If you wanna get further involved in praying, then please ask me. It's just harder because you haven't met any of them. By the way, these guys are the ones that get me stoked for God everytime I'm near them. I really love these people!

Ahhh thoughts!!!

I have too many of them... Lots of praying. Lots of learning. I need to make a few calls to a few people.

There just so many people to be thinking about and I don't know how to grasp the different things that are all happening, which in one moment can feel like nothing if I should choose not to act on it. Different opportunities are coming up relationally. As in notices of the women's Bible study potentially starting next fall are coming out and I really want to get involved with that but I've had no success in contacting mama scooch who's starting that up.
I just got a friend's new phone number today that I've been trying get for a while because show up to church in a bigger while than that. I need to call her as soon as possible.
Then there's one of my sister's friends is being harassed by a girl a couple years older than her who's seriously dangerous. I've invited her to youth. I would like to see her come out soon. And see both her and her harasser come to know Jesus.
Then there's youth that was really strange tonight because there was so many of the younger one and hardly any older ones. It's like I really am leaving the high school scene or at least that general age group by the end of this year. But I'm going back for another semester and I'll still be in town for all of next year at least. So I've been thinking. Well at the last servant's board (the youth leadership) meeting my pastor Chad was talking to the gr12s graduating that if we could we would be welcome and he'd be more than glad if we'd still come out next year to be leaders for the gr8s coming up next year. And there's some pretty crazy gr8s and I know I won't be able to do it on my own strength. I think, in general, it would be a very cool opportunity but I'd die sooner than I'd be able to or want to do it on my own.
My friend I need to call would be a great role model for the them and would have a great influence if she would come out again. She would have a huge influence on the younger girls.
And maybe I'm hoping for too much in all of this but I think it be cool to get some kind of prayer thing with the C&C girls going on for the summer. I really really need something like that right now. That I can just trust and talk to and pray about stuff.

But more importantly than all of those things, I just want my focus to belong to Jesus and Jesus alone. I really want to grow in him so badly. Hmmmm. Just take His beautiful name in and love it. Love Him. Breathe Him in, let His Spirit being the driving force in what we do.

And my brother's birthday is tomorrow. We're going to see the movie Up tomorrow. I'm super excited for it! I really big fan of pixar fans. Ooops. You know what I mean, I'm tired. I might give a review of it. Goodnight my friends, I hope you're all doing well.

From my book

I wrote this on Thursday. A thought that caught me. I wanted to know what you guys think about it. I thought taking pictures would be faster than typing it up but I don't know if it was. Click to make them bigger if you can't read them. (And then zoom out because it'll be really big)Hope my writing isn't too bad.

And why not take a picture of myself at the same time?

I'VE GOT SOME SICK FOSSILS!!!

I had a great day today. This morning feels like yesterday, but nonetheless awesome. It started out good and pregressively got better. I went on an field trip with my Earth and Space class. Got some fossils in the morning. In all the years, my teacher's ever done this trip, I was the first one to ever find a graptolite fossil at the quarry we went to. I tried tading it with my teacher for a really awesome trilobite fossil he found but that didn't go so well.

I found a huge chunk of green feldspar. The pink stuff's really common but I think the green stuff's quite rare.

Then I went caving in the evening. The best part. By far. Me and two of my friends Logan and Mark went so far down in this one cave. It was awesome. Probably like 30m down. We didn't even have time to fully explore it. Logan called it the Narnia Abyss. We definitely saw Aslan. There was still some ice at some of the bottom of the caves. So much fun. If you ever have the chance to go caving take that opportunity my friends. Unless your claustrophobic. Or pregnant... (I'm assuming that that wouldn't be a good idea).

We got back to the school at 8:30 where gym night had already started. I got to see more people back from school. AHHH! Good day. One of those friends was in the same class a few years ago so she knew exciting and fun this was.

I got really dirty but it was so worth. I even I dirty boogers. I needa go take a shower and have a good night's sleep.

You guys...

I'm whining. I want you guys comment on my stuff, poops. Oh well.

The top three performed tonight. Kris. Adam. Gokey. Tomorrow should be a very interesting results night. All of them performed superbly. Adam consistently always has the best vocals but Kris is my favourite. I really liked his version of Heartless by Kanye West.

If you like him and yiou read this in enough vote for him because I can't.

Sucks.

I don't know where my life is going. I just don't know. I feel like all of my relationships suck. It's like all I know is theory and I don't know how to apply it. Sometimes I feel so socially retarted. I don't know where to start. .................................... Well I can tell you I hate the question "What are you doing next year?" Why does everyone assume you know where you're supposed to go? I'm not gifted in any one specific thing that could lead into a some kind of career for which to pursue education. I'm all over the map. The only thing I really care about is people and the church. That doesn't lead to anything could really do later on though because I'm a woman. I wouldn't mind one day being a leader for younger girls or something but I don't seem to naturally attract followers. Somehow I think that's important. But maybe that's just the way things are with my peers. That also won't lead to a job. Except for the fact that I kinda need one, I really couldn't care less. It's just an obstacle and I hate it. I don't care for climbing some stupid ladder.

I wish I could just find someone with a similar aim to do life with. I know I'm still so so young, but should ever come... I'd love to use the opportunity be a godly and supportive wife, good mom, and be involved with other excited involved people of the body of Christ. That would be fantastic.

I'm so confused with everything though. I know my focus really needs to be Jesus, it's just hard with no friend to encourage me on regularily and consistently. I know, I'm more sure than anything that Jesus needs to be my Focus, but again, it truly feels more like theory sometimes than real life because I don't know who I can turn to to simply be honest with at anytime.

Currently it also looks like I'm not going to be going to Thunder Bay this summer. I think I've gone over what the alternative is. I guess that's fine, whatever. It is well with my soul.

There are many people who don't play major roles in my life right now that now, that each important to everything I'm thinking about in general but there's just too many to mention. One, specifically, is Larissa. I haven't talked to her in quite a while and I don't know how she's doing. If there were two people I could have know Jesus right now she would be one. The other would be my writer's craft teacher, who is unsure about different "religious" type things. I wrote her a letter in a chain of events but she hasn't responded to it yet.

Watever. It's late and my music's playing quite loud. That's not good. I need to go to bed. I'm willing to hear any wisdom that's founded in God's Word. I just don't get why anything is the way it is. And why I feel so far off from people and whether or not that's my fault. There's always the push and pull of wanting and not wanting to be cut off.

College Kids, for a lack of a better title

Here's an update on how things are up in my northernly situated life. It's a follow up to what I wrote a few posts earlier which included the word protest in the title but was hardly about protests at all. (If you haven't read it).

This past weekend was one of the best I've had in a while. I can't recall what I did Friday evening but I can assure you it was nothing of interest. Really boring, for sure. Saturday, I did a 5k walk in Toronto in support of a group called Light Patrol with Youth unlimited. They're involved in doing stuff with the homeless. They're really cool. I don't know if it got mention but in October (considering the date probably not), I went down for the day and actually be involved in what they do. It's an awesome group. As a note to my Sami, that would not have happened if I hadn't read the IR.

The entire walk I got to talk with one of my friend's who just finished her second year of university. She's was a really good friend in gr 9 & 10 for me, and still is a good friend. That was really good. We talked mostly talked about the environment, evolution (which we both agree is crap for a lack of a better word), and science in general, because we are honestly very cool like that. I love her. And I like her a lot too. Both important.

And I got to see Morgan yesterday! Home from being way out in Alberta and Montana! I simply can't explain the feeling I felt seeing her walk in late to church, sitting in the front row, while I'm singing a song but wanting to jump on her and give her a massive hug. If you know the feeling than you know and that's all there is too it.

Every other Sunday evening my church does something called SNACS. We sing praise songs and pray at different people's houses. Yesterday we also did communion there. That was really cool.

I think that as long as I have friends in college I will mention their return home around this time of year. I love it.

So as far as what I wrote in the other posts goes, it's up and it's down. The way I feel depends on the day and the people I see and interact with. The general feeling towards the church is still there but I'm not acting on it. If you wanna be praying for me in that, you are awesome. Unless God has revealed my situation to somebody else, some other people, probably no one else is praying for me in that area. But hey, I'm a teenager. Am I not allowed to be somewhat depressed somewhat of the time?

One of the bigger struggles with that is how I lose motivation and find it difficult to open my Bible on the days I feel really low and out of it. Usually that leads to more days like that. Lately, I've been learning how God really wants my attention and for my focus to be on Him. I don't know if in my situation it was or wasn't but it might've been a pride thing in distracting myself from the Word. As if I have the strength to get better by leaving God out of the equation. Right now I'm just gonna go through Isaiah and see what's there for me to learn.

Another thing you could be praying for is for me to have discernment in whether I should be going to Thunder Bay for camp again this year. It was really awesome last year and I learned a lot. This year my dad's parent's 60th is on one of the lasts days and I can't make it home in time to do both. They're both important and I wish I could do both. I also wish my parents would just tell me what to do because that would be biblical at the same time as easier for me.

Anyways I don't think I have anything else interesting to say. I'm really exhausted. Oh, and since I'm giving ya stuff to pray for, um, I'm starting my geologic time unit in my Earth and Space course. I'm going to be taught the whole billions of years deal and evolution. It's already started today. So, I guess you could just being praying that God would use this opportunity to strengthen my faith. And whatever else you can think of. Thanks.

Sometimes I'm an Idiot

I forgot to go to my driver's ed lesson during my spare today. I've felt dumb the whole rest of the day. And now I feel dumb for posting a the title I did on the last one. But what's done is done.

Dfly Ain't the Only Prego

(P.s. don't forget to scroll down to and read the other newer posts).
How's that for an attention grabber? I'm not pregnant but I just found out today that a friend of mine way out in Saskatchewan is. She's only 21 right now, but I'm really excited for her. I'm sure she'll be a great mom; she's always loved kids. I made her this graffiti thing for her wedding in August of '07. (She got married really young!) One of the things I've ever put the most effort and time into, though I could probably do better now. She tells me that it was the best gift they got. I took some pictures of it.


Yeah... I'm looking forward to seeing her when she comes home.

Anyways, Dfly, if you want I could do something graffiti for you. I don't know if you'd be willing to send me address or not, but if you are I'd love to draw it up.

Some Really Great Insight

kdlasdjflkasjd........ umm, Protest? (& more)

It seems like haven't been saying much lately. So thanks for checking on me even though I haven't had anything to say. Or at least know how to put into words.

I'd like to share with you something I wrote on Saturday and is still very true right now. First a poem type thing and then stuff.

don't drag me into to your system
i am empty
i need directions but i missed 'em
please God, i need some wisdom
i like a boy but i may never kiss'im
again, i reject this system
i am empty so i am dry
like a cupbut
the drink's effects
not evident
i am thirsty
i am lonely so i am empty
i have no Body
let the world move on without me


I don't know how to write what I'm going through. I'm incredibly lonely and disappointed. I'm continually discouraged when I look at the church and how it's done. My desire to pull away and just quit gets greater all the time. The only thing that keeps me from doing that is that I would be the biggest loser in the world to do that, because I know that what is taught is real. Jesus is real, but if His church is supposed to be any kind of community, it fails horribly [from my perspective] Nothing is set in place to develope and encourage that, and I am continually left on my own.

The boy I like, mentioned in the poem above is J_____. One of the main reasons is because he wants to do church planting. He's really just a maybe but I'd like to chat with him about that sometime. Not to mention, he's friendly and well-built. But whatever, the latter of that is really besides the point. "May never kiss 'im" has to do with the fact that he may not be the one, if any, I marry, since I vowed a long time ago not to kiss until I get married.




... how does that sound? Am I doing ok? I still hope things will change and get better, and in that, if you looked deep enough there is a slight excitement. The above is presently way more prominent.



On a completely different note, I took part in a protest today at my school. Pretty fun.

Basically, this grade 9 Asian kid had been bullied for just about the full year. Then the one time he told the bully to say whatever he was going to say to face. He did (which was very rude, but I don't know exactly what it was) and he also punched the Asian guy a couuple times in the face. He punched him back and broke his nose and the bully had to go to the hospital. His hands were supposedly considered weapons because he's had some karate training something like that but he was acting in defence.

If you could follow all that, the result was that the victim would be expelled... because that's what you're supposed to do with kids who send other kids to the hospital. We were protesting for Jack (the victim) to not get expelled when if anyone were to get expelled it should be the bully for provoking it.

Today we stood for anti-racism and anti- bullying. The theme, chant, slogan or what you will was Black for Jack. Almost everyone wore black. I rushed in the morning and didn't get a chance to grab something black, so I borrowed my friend's somewhat gothic black jacket. I was so cool. That's a promise.

I skipped first period. We got a lot of media attention. The local paper. Also, the Toronto Star, A channel news, and I think maybe CTV. Some people stayed out all day but they were the ones who just wanted to skip because our purpose was accomplished after the first period. They ruined it a little bit, and I think they also may have gotten the guy who planned it a suspension. That's about the most exciting thing that I know of that's ever happened in my little town.

If you want to read more follow this link.

ummmm the upper half is more important than the second, although stuff. Hope you're all doing well. I'm reading all of your posts though I may be slow to comment sometimes. I've been less of a total Internet addict lately.

poop

I changed my mind. I don't care enough to write anything. And I'm tired so goodnight.

Tut, Tut! Looks Like Snow!

So I woke up this morning to find snow outside. In April. I know I live in Canada, but despite the stereotypical images probably implanted in your minds, it's April. This kind of stuff just doesn't happen in April.

Not only was there snow in the morning but also snow all day. It's probably still snowing now if I were to look. Some people had a snowday today. Unfortunately, I didn't, although I suppose that's ok. I wouldn've snapped a picture for ya but I've been really tired today.

I stayed up a bit too late last night because I was thinking about Africa (I don't think a day has come yet when I haven't thought about it... probably because it wasn't snowy there. I'm kidding), decided it was to late to do my homework and woke up early to do it.

I keep thinking that something weird happened to the Earth's orbit and now it's winter again somehow. Or the sun finished its 11.2 year sunspot cycle and we've gone into a time with no sunspots and were having a mini ice age like in the 1600s. Yes, I like showing off my earth & space knowledge. I had the opportunity to mention that our Sun is of the G2 class in my Sunday school class. Google "OBAFGKM" if you want to know more about that. Just do it.

The other thing I keep thinking is that if it really is April, then the snow must be warm. I don't know. My whole system's really confused.

On a less snowy note, here's a music video I just finished on flash. It looked much better on flash, but it's better than nothing. Enjoy, please!

A Poem

Starting with no brilliant intensions
I pick up my pen to scribe
Memories of the trip are fleeting
Grasping to hold on
The faces, names, smells
Like a dream it's almost gone
Gasping
Where is the friend I made?
When will she be home?
When will I be home?
The Earth is yet to revolve twice
But yet a thousand years may be gone
"Always remember your past,"
A secret once told me
"It provides great instruction"
"Never go back"
Against my will, I move forward
An impossibility
A mystery
Angainst my will, I am backward

My hope is for sleep
Time should pass that way
My hope is not seen
I hope my hope is quick
I hope my hope is soon

Temporary is the fixture
Almost gone

_________________________________________________________

I just wrote this. No editing. So if it sucks that's why. blah blah blah

life right now

Grade 10 literacy test tomorrow means I get the day off... at least the morning. And I would just take the whole thing off but I need to go in the afternoon for media arts. But at least I get to sleep in!

Right now, I'm so hungry. It's not my stomach though, it's hunger to know God's word better. I want something deeper there. I wish I could eventually know the whole thing and know exactly how every story points to Jesus.

For a long time the only time I've really spent in the word has been getting to know 2 tim. by memorizing it. And I got the third chapter finished. But it's gotten harder to find the time to recite it and keep it fresh and there's a longing for something new but I don't really know how to study it deeper. I want to. I'm a bit fearful that I'll forget what I've already learned but I'd rather know what it all means rather than just having a bunch of stuff memorized. That is important though.

But on the other hand some exciting stuff is happening. A prayer has started up now, just very recently at one of my friend's houses and it has tons of potential. I went yesterday for the first time and it was very good.

And I may be getting a another(new/first?) accountability partner. Well, she's a friend and known for a long time but not very well, so it be cool if this worked out well. I have different friend where there's some accountability between us but it's never been her title, and it might be considered more of a mentoring role. Great people indeed for sure.

So maybe a combo of the prayer group and this developing relationship could maybe, hopefully, could sooner than later bring abnout a girls group like the one there was in grade ten.... those are just my thoughts.

confusing

Today wasn't the greatest of days, but it also wasn't the worst either. It's weird almost like how things were when I went on that spiel. There are just some people I don't understand at all. That I do love and would absolutely love to understand. It's nothing that's said. It's just there in the way things are done, in their personality or something. And she thinks she's so cool. And I'm not. I really don't think she likes me. Other people who either like or are indifferent to me think she's cool I'm sure. Anyways, whatever. It's doesn't upset me, and it's not new. I just don't understand. She's like a puzzle and I never see her guard let down. But maybe that's how I look to her...

This really pointless to post

I was going to write some lame boring post about nothing for all practical purposes. But now that I've read some of y'alls posts this will be the most irrelevant thing of your life. But the thought did strike me so I'll post it anyways. I'm serious though, you can stop reading now if you'd like. Do it, I dare ya. (but maybe tell me if you do)

So, the equation for circumference is always known as C=2πr, r being the radius of course, not that any of you are stupid. But how come it's never written as C=πd (d being the diameter)? It's simpler. But I guess if you're only given the radius to begin with, than it makes no difference at all.

Yep, a waste of typed letters for sure.

something rather

i'm bored.
i have homework still to do.
today is the last day of my march break.
i did the in-class part of my driver's ed this past week.
i still have homework to do.
i'm doing good.
just good.
not bad.
not great.
but i have nothing to complain about.
it's been like this for a while.
i filled out an application for boston pizza today.
i was away for the weekend and i could only make it to the job fair within the last hour and couldn't get an interview but i'm still hoping that my little application will get me a position...
i like my fish a lot.
his name's fred.
he's not new.
that's all.
and i think i like a boy.
which doesn't necessarily mean i'm hoping for anything to happen
i.e. i don't necessarily have a crush on him.
but i do like him.
i watched the twilight yesterday but i really don't give a care at all for the series.
the movie was ok.
i'd most definitely rather spend an eternity with Jesus rather than edward cullen.
to see His face will be the most amazing thing.
i can't wait.
my love.
i'm wayyyy distracted.

About Me Rewrite

I just did a big rewrite of my about me section on FB. Here it is:

There's more about myself that I don't know than I do, but nevertheless, here is a brief summary of what I do know.

I'm into Jesus, but definitely not religion (yuck). Ask me about Jesus! He's really, really awesome. To say the very least.

...ummmm

I keep a commonplace book. I think it's really cool. When I finish filling out its pages, I might even let you read it. Depending on who you are, of course. There has to be a certain trust level there. Ask anyways.

I really like being creative. One of my favourite feelings is the trill of inspiration when there is a realization of all the possibilities that could be done with the arts. I lose sleep over it sometimes. My latest interest has been poetry.

My big dream is for a community in love with Jesus who also love and know each other. It's one of my very greatest desires ever.

Futhermore, I'll give you an honest answer if you ask me a question.

Spoken Word

This past week I went to a spoken word festival. And now I'm interested in spoken word type poetry, like a new pencil in my artistic tool box. But I really don't know how to use it and it's not a very popular thing so there isn't very much on the Internet or youtube about it. But I want to look into it more.

this blog used to be different

this coming weekend my youth group is going to snocamp. but i'm not. i've been telling people that i went to virginia and so i had chosen that over snocamp. and people believe that really easily. i'm sure i could've found a way to go if i wanted to but really i just don't wanna go. lately i've been feeling like i have no real friends in that youth group. it's like one big clique that i don't fit into. a large part of me continually wants to give up on them but i still do love them so i'm not ok with doing that. i feel like this a lot.

just an observation, this blog thing isn't quite the same as it used to be.

that's probably partly my fault.

lol (tag thing)

Here is what you do...Erase my answers and put yours in. Use the first letter of your name to answer ALL of the following questions. If the person before you has the same 1st letter pick a new one. You CAN NOT use anything twice, and you CAN NOT use your own name for the boy/girl question. After you are done, tag 5 people.......

1. What is your name: Stephanie

2. A four letter word: star

3. A boy's name: Sage

4. A girl's name: Sarah

5. An occupation: Shoemaker

6. A color: Umm... sand :D

7. Something you wear: Sandals!

8. A food: Sandwiches

9. Something found in the bathroom: soap

10. A place: Seattle :)

11. A reason for being late: Slept-in

12. Something you shout: you know it makes you wanna... SHOUT! throw your hands up and SHOUT! (Cheating perhaps?)

13. A movie title: Sandlot

14. Something you drink: Sweet tea

15. An animal: Seal

16. A song title: "She Walked Away" Barlow Girl

17. A verb: Sing! :D

This is kinda a joke for you SaM!

Also

One of my new friends that I met in Virginia is Josh Hughes, and he is a musician. So I've put his thing up on the side there and you can listen to his stuff. I like it.

http://www.reverbnation.com/joshhughes

I'm back from Virginia, I had so much fun!

I'm Dropping

I'm dropping down to the States probably over the next couples days to do one of those university visiting weekends at Liberty u in ol' Virginia. Pretty exciting. I'll hopefully get to see cousin who attends there.

Yesterday I found this elvish writing on the Internet. I think it's originally from The Lord of the Rings but I think it's pretty cool. You can get all the deets from this link. Try writing some stuff out for yourself.



As for stuff going on in my life right now, I'm kinda bored. Not much has been happening lately good or bad.

Commonplace Book

I had a show and tell today, I know I'm ini gr12 and I did a show and tell. That was in my writer's craft, and it was pretty fun. It's a good way to get to know people. I brought my commonplace book to show off, probably the most awesome thing I've made myself, a very good investment indeed. I also brought a binder full of letters from one of the boys I mentioned in an early post about my mom's diary, all written to her of course. One of the better show and tells, I think. There was like three people who only brought their iPods and some other girl brought a Tim McGraw CD.

Maybe, and this is a really big maybe, maybe when the book is filled I'll make another blog with the purpose of showcasing its pages.

The Mom Song (it's well done)

Hope

First of all, this isn't my best work. I think it's ok but it's been smudged a bit since I finished it because I used conte and there's some weird spots on it for some reason. The graffiti on the bottom reads hope and there's also a cross mixed in there. Tell me what you think. Click on the image to enlarge it.

Guess what I found...

Yesterday I was searching for gum in my house. I was in my parents room when I came across my mom's old diary. So I snuck it out of the room and have obviously been reading it. She didn't write very much, or consistently, but it's from the early 80s when she was in her early 20s. I think. So far it's about boys she never ended up marrying and occasionally Jesus. It's pretty interesting.

________________

11AM

I just finished reading through it now. I feel like writing in it:

January 29, 2009

I just finished reading your diary mom. It was quite interesting but I'm glad you never married Fred or Mike (for the obvious reason). :)

I really want to write that but... I don't think I will... Hmmm, maybe I'll pick a random blank page in the middle of the book... for someone to find another 20 years later.... I don't know.

Home, eh?

Hey, I'm at home right now. Bored. So, if you're in the same situation, feel free to draw a picture, the best you can do and put it on your blog.

In the mean time I'll teach you about the word eh. It's a Canadian word that other people just don't seem to get. But I get it, so don't worry.

Well, it's not a greeting. It's not another word for hello, hi, hey, howdy, 'sup, or any other word of that type. And you don't tag it on to greetings saying "Hi eh!" either.

What you basically do with the word eh is tag it on to the end of a statement and it becomes a question.

For example, I'm in Idaho, it's just snowed and a friend comes over. You might say "It's cold out." A Canadian in that same situation could tag the word eh on the end making it a question. "It's cold out, eh?" And so what it does is it gives the other person a chance to respond, "Yeah, it is really cold", or "I guess, but aren't you Canadian? I thought you were supposed to be used to this stuff".

Other examples...

"That exam was really hard, eh?" .... "Nah, I studied"

"You totally nailed that triple kick flip thing the other day, eh?" .... "Sorry, wrong gal"

"That guy's pretty good-looking, eh?" .... "Yeah, I just wish he were a Christian"

"You guys haven't commented on my blog lately, eh?" .... "(Your response goes here)"

I think you get the idea. And I'm looking forward to seeing some good drawings soon!

I'm really bummed.

Bummed

I finished my last exam well I think but I'm bummed because now that the semester's over one of my best friends is really moved out of town a couple hours away for good. We had three classes together and today might have been the last time I'll see if she doesn't go to prom at my school and my dad's yelling about something upstairs and I have a headache. Pppphhhhhhhhhh.....

Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape

I like this song.

Exam Week and Me

Most people just review stuff during exam week. Well, I'm different, I've been learning. Especially yesterday, and today.

I wrote two exams today: English and Math. And last night I found myself sitting on my bed, books in front, frustrated with myself because I didn't want to open them. Let me just grab my commonplace book so I can write some thoughts that I had.

Ok. I'm back.

"I really need to study.

I want to have motivation."
______________

"And I could be a smart kid but I haven't demonstrated the skills. It really bothers me."
______________

"And I don't want to write about this. I really don't. I'm disappointed in myself and I want to say that I don't care to make it easier."
______________

"But I feel like I'd like to rip out all my notes and throw them away."
______________

Here's the punch line:

"I'm looking forward to the new semester because it means a new start for me. I can't see what there's left to do well this semester so I feel like giving up. I want to do well but I just can't see it"
______________

Well, those are some snippets in no particular order. You probably get the feel. I could've done better this semester and I'm disappointed with myself. And when I get my grades back, whatever they look like, I will need to take responsibility for them without excuses. And this responsibility thing was like an epiphany either late last night or this morning. And I'm thinking that line from Mxpx's song, "Responsibility, what's that? Responsibility, not quite yet! I don't wanna think about it. We'd be better off without it." But it's important, and I really really do care. Next semester is gonna be killer.

AND!!!! Our God is a God of grace! I still have one more exam and kind of a three day weekend to ace it. Pray for me please. That'd be awesome.

New Letter, New Post

ummm.....
yesterday....
I got a letter....
from a friend....
which I was very pleased about.
And....
Posts, to me are kind of like letters to me.
So write me a "letter" if you feel up to it.
And maybe title it Dear Miss Steph,
if you want.

Spaceball Portrait

I'm going to try and draw this. There's so many ways I could be creative with art, but I love using my pencils best and I love drawing people. Hey, maybe if any of you have a good picture I could try to draw it. Just maybe, if I like it, they take a lot of work.



Original Photo Link

Inauguration

I know it's a really significant historic event, but I just don't care that much. I think it's somewhat overhyped. I just said it. I think Obama is overhyped. But I'm Canadian so maybe my opinion doesn't count as much. I know his skin is dark, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he's going to have superior presidential skills. And his great speaking skills don't either. I like him though; I think he's a good guy. But honestly, he's just a man like any other president. That's equality.



Puhhh..... I put my hope in Jesus alone to make change in America!

venn

I'm only putting this up to help move a file to another place. I think it looks nice though, don't you? I used Picasa 3 from Google for the effects.

Project

I've got a project to work on tonight. (Yahhh! ... but not really). At least it couldn't be any worse than the guy I had to peer evalute today. My paraphrase: "Well here's my hypothesis but I'm not really going to read it to you or explain it. [next slide] This one-variable analysis shows that gr.12s have lowers averages than younger grades, so I'm guessing that because gr.12s have cars... [next slide] here's some graphs, pretty self-explanetory" He skips right to his conclusions, of which he has none. It was really hard to give him an evaluation. He was done in like a minute from beginning to end. 2 max.

Anyways, big projects like these mean the next semester is close and that's what this whole post was supposed to be about. I'm looking forward to it.

P.E.I.

Does anyone ever think about that little island? What if one day it no longer exists because people drop by to take some red dirt and then leave? I personally have a small jar of Prince Edward Island sitting on a shelf in my room.

Alzheimer's

Do you think that someone who is more reflective or intrapersonal is a more likely victim of Alzheimer's Disease? If so I think I may be a likely target.

Boring Stuff, but maybe not boring

Everything's kind of terribly boring for me lately. I've gotta a couple culminatings due next week that I need to work on. Ooh! Have I told you what I'm doing for my art culminating? It's about cutting. On the right of the image I'll have a girl's right hand and wrist on the right of the image. Her wrist will be cut and bleeding. On the left they'll be another hand, this one Jesus's. His wrist also bleeding but not because of cutting but because of the nail driven through his wrist when he died on the cross. His hand will be reaching the girls. So both are bleeding and together at the bottom center on the image the blood will create a graffiti of the word hope. And because of the way I'm doing it, you'll also be able to see a image of the cross within the word. I don't yet know what I'll be doing with the background. Maybe just graffiti type graphics. I really need to get that figured out. I could just post my art on here when the semester ends. Then you'll be able to see it for yourself.

But, ok, so I stupidly chose to be the first one critiqued and bit scared, not that the art won't be good but because my friend Larissa who cuts is in that class and I haven't really told her what I'm doing mine about yet. I'm just worried because I don't know how she'll take it. You can pray about that if you want. I'm hoping that it'll have a good affect.

Another than that... umm. It like I keep getting bad marks back at school. I want to care but it seems like nothing's ever done about that in the way I organize my life. I really need to do a good job on my culminatings that are left and my exams. Yeah, I could say more but there's not really any point. Oh, and there's day called the lunar new year. It's right in the middle of my exams and because school's are allowed to do major holidays there is a normal school day in between exams! No one's going to go. I'm not. It's rediculous. How come my birthday is never considered as holiday? It's on the 24th of June. Some people at my school wrotes exams on that day last year. Tahnkfully I didn't, but c'mon it's St-Jean-Baptiste Day. Yeah, I should start a riot! Or something... Can anyone tell me who celebrates the lunar new year anyways? Didn't think so.

Also, I ordered the NASB Study Bible a couple days ago. My dad actually did for me but I'm really excited for it. Real leather, and it wasn't very expensive. When I get it I don't know what I'll study but I'm just gonna read it and read it and read it. And memorize it and make myself really familiar with it and be really knowledgeable and stuff. And hopefully that'll show through in the way I live. I want it now.

That's all, ggirl.

Life Right Now

Lately I've been a little bit out of the Word. Partly because of business, partly because I think I'm not being fed by my small group because we're doing a back to the basics thing with our church and I really want to get into something deeper. All excuses aside, it's really a shame for two reasons. First is that this is the Christmas break. So for me that means that I should be spending more time with God, not less time praising Him for all that he did. I had a second reason, I know it... Secondly, when I read less I pray less and that just sucks. It affects all of me.

There are so many things I could be praying for too. One thing that's been on my mind lately is one of me cousins. She's one of my favourite cousins to hang out with. Her family isn't Christian and she's 22, perfectly capable of making decisions for herself. After finishing the Christmas dinner we were sitting together and she got up. I thought maybe to get a drink from the kitchen or to go to the washroom or something. She came back a little while later and smelt of smoke. It made me really sad to smell that. She drinks out at parties and stuff and I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't a virgin either. (But I'm very glad I've been given no reason to believe that!)

Her sister, on the other hand, is an amazingly strong Christian finishing her last year at Liberty U. I bet she's praying for her and I want to be too.

Also, I really want to be praying about the one dream I've really been given and hold on to. It's a dream of community for the church. Something like Acts 2. I'm dreaming of a place where people really know each other. Where our age doesn't limit those who we care for and spend time with. For a people that prays like crazy all the time. A place where there's trust and accountability. Something like that....

I want to do a study on covenant and I want to get a new NASB study Bible as soon as possible. And I need to finish a painting for art class.