And I might be too tired to write. I might not have the time to finish this before myself prescribed bedtime of 10 o'clock.
BUT. First of all I just want to congratulate Dragonfly. So far I have not heard any news. And for the moment I would like to just consider that irrelevant, even though it's not, because she's amazing and this pregnancy thing has done nothing but add to that, and I love her. I pray all is going well. I expect her to be born by the time anyone reads this anyways.
My thought for this, though, was simply that I'm giving up the idea of marriage. I"m eighteen, I'm single, I've never had a boyfriend, I'm a virgin, there's nothing wrong with me. That's probably too much to put out there, but true none the less. And yet I'm giving it up. I'm giving up the idea of children, and therefore also my dreams for sex within a marriage relationship, the way God intended it to be.
And here's my reasoning. It's too big for me; it's out of my control. Men are the ones who are meant to pursue. I suppose there are things I could do to draw more attention to myself. I suppose I could become more flirtatious, or this, or that. But I just want to be myself and that's who I would want whomever to be attracted to.
Honestly, I just don't want to put my hope in some future relationship just to be let down if it doesn't happen. I know that there's a time to give and to trust and to risk getting hurt and I think that's just fine. I'm just talking in general though. If I live to be in my 80s or 90s and no man is ever attracted to me, I don't want to feel like a failure because this dream never comes true. Whether I get married or not doesn't change my worth. Same thing with children.
My only choice is just to give it all to God, to Jesus. He is my dependency and my hope, and I am His bride.
It's out of my control whether I get married or not, whether any man I find pleasing should take interest in me or not. So my hope is in Jesus. I don't know if I'll ever be able to shut down the search system or my awareness of who's coming and going in my life, or stop thinking "maybe?"... Even if that would be best, even if that's what all this means I want.
You see, I desire relationships. Relationships of all kinds. I especially just like spending time with my church family. If perfect community and love could just happen there I truly believe that a desire for a spouse wouldn't be so great.
Right now, I would really just like to a few really close friends girls and/or guys who would just be willing to play a full game of Monopoly with me. Or just make some fun youtube videos with me. Or get involved in something outside of the church with me to draw outsiders to Jesus. At present, that's what I want more than anything.
Maybe one day that what my marriage will look like, but if it never happens I'm ok with that. Good on me. Though I can't recall it now, I know there's some passage in the Bible that says in essence that if you can bear not getting married then don't get married, but if getting married is all you can do to stop yourself from burning up in sexual passion, get married. Obviously, like any other living person, I have sexual passions, but I'll never let that control me.
I have more thoughts that I just can't seem to put together to make sense. I've reached my bedtime. So I'll close by just saying that for as long as I have the freedom of my independence, I'll enjoy it and be thankful for it. Should I get married I'll enjoy and be thankful for the gift of being able to give to another person and enjoy married people things. Either way, Jesus is God, He's in control, and all praise and thanks will forever be to Him. Amen?
Amen!
