I don't know where my life is going. I just don't know. I feel like all of my relationships suck. It's like all I know is theory and I don't know how to apply it. Sometimes I feel so socially retarted. I don't know where to start. .................................... Well I can tell you I hate the question "What are you doing next year?" Why does everyone assume you know where you're supposed to go? I'm not gifted in any one specific thing that could lead into a some kind of career for which to pursue education. I'm all over the map. The only thing I really care about is people and the church. That doesn't lead to anything could really do later on though because I'm a woman. I wouldn't mind one day being a leader for younger girls or something but I don't seem to naturally attract followers. Somehow I think that's important. But maybe that's just the way things are with my peers. That also won't lead to a job. Except for the fact that I kinda need one, I really couldn't care less. It's just an obstacle and I hate it. I don't care for climbing some stupid ladder.
I wish I could just find someone with a similar aim to do life with. I know I'm still so so young, but should ever come... I'd love to use the opportunity be a godly and supportive wife, good mom, and be involved with other excited involved people of the body of Christ. That would be fantastic.
I'm so confused with everything though. I know my focus really needs to be Jesus, it's just hard with no friend to encourage me on regularily and consistently. I know, I'm more sure than anything that Jesus needs to be my Focus, but again, it truly feels more like theory sometimes than real life because I don't know who I can turn to to simply be honest with at anytime.
Currently it also looks like I'm not going to be going to Thunder Bay this summer. I think I've gone over what the alternative is. I guess that's fine, whatever. It is well with my soul.
There are many people who don't play major roles in my life right now that now, that each important to everything I'm thinking about in general but there's just too many to mention. One, specifically, is Larissa. I haven't talked to her in quite a while and I don't know how she's doing. If there were two people I could have know Jesus right now she would be one. The other would be my writer's craft teacher, who is unsure about different "religious" type things. I wrote her a letter in a chain of events but she hasn't responded to it yet.
Watever. It's late and my music's playing quite loud. That's not good. I need to go to bed. I'm willing to hear any wisdom that's founded in God's Word. I just don't get why anything is the way it is. And why I feel so far off from people and whether or not that's my fault. There's always the push and pull of wanting and not wanting to be cut off.
1 comment:
i can honestly say that i can relate to some of this. all through college, and even now, i felt down at times because i never had that one great gift or niche that everyone else seemed to have. it seemed as though everyone around me had a certain passion they were working towards. i was good at lots of things, but never had that burning sense of "THIS is what i want to do with my life." and it caused me (and still does) a great deal of anxiety.
at 27, i still don't have everything figured out. there are things i'd like to do, but don't know exactly how or even if i should.
keep praying for direction. you are a very gifted and special young woman who i KNOW God can and will use in awesome ways. it may take awhile for all of His plans for you to be revealed (hey...i'm STILL waiting). but i'm confident you were born to serve Him in a mighty way.
i also know what it's like to feel like your relationships suck. i feel the same way much of the time, not really feeling close to anyone and feeling rather alone. my thoughts are with you because i know that's a pretty gross feeling - and i'm sorry that you're feeling confused and hurting.
hang in there :-) i'll be praying for you.
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