Surrender is so hard

I'm blurgging today. Whatever that means.

I have no idea whatever I've written before that might relate to this BUT (sigh) here is something.

February 16 this year was a really cool day for me I guess you could say. It was the Saturday of snocamp with my church. That day I had the chance to talk with my pastor and my friend Morgan about a lot just us. Before the weekend had even begun and I was still considering going I had clearly heard God saying I want you to go even if it costs you, so I went. And always just looking for someone to be a real friend for me. Later on that day at the evening secession there was one of those times when the opportunity comes up where you can just unload whatever's going on to the people around you. And I was hesitant at first to join into the huddle of girls that were hugging and crying and talking and stuff. But after a couple minutes I came over to them and wrapped my arms around them and I didn't mean to, and it was really unnatural for me, but I started crying too.

My friend Morgan was in the group, and even though she had and still does have stuff going on in her life, she was more there as a leader for us. Then the difference between me and the other two girls there was that they were talking about what they were crying about, whereas I was crying without a verbal explanation. What really the truth is that I was looking for a friend like always. And every time I get close to someone I hope that they'll be real and last. Morgan kept hugging me afterwards and it felt soo good and even though I didn't tell her what was going on right then and there I did tell her that I wanted to show her something later on and pray with. Now that I think about it I wish I had said everything and prayed with her right there.

Since then a few things have changed, the Bible study that we were both at at the time wasn't the place where she needed to be (she was the leader of it). The following week she came and instead of following our lousy curriculum, she opened up more than she even had on that weekend. It was good and it gave me hope that group could get to a better place. That was the last week she went though and nothing really came of it. As a side note, I'm not upset at her in anyway to make things clear. Right now the group's not in a great place and it could use some prayer, maybe I'll make a specific request at the end of this...

But anyways, since snocamp I have never really prayed with her the way I want to, although I did show her what I wanted to show her, which was a drawing I drew after an important phone call I made to her in November (I have blogged about that for sure before). I'll post that up here when I bring my sketchbook home. Even then, I don't think she understood how much it really actually meant.

Honestly though, and this is what hurts the most, it never feels like she goes out her way to be my friend. And I love her soo much! I pray for her and her family whenever I get the chance. Now it's come to the point where I just can't ignore that God's telling me to let her go. At least for now, I have to put it all in God's hands and trust him.

And when I pray I just feel like saying "but God you don't know how much I love her and how much I need a real friend". But of course he does and it's hard to trust and surrender it all. I'm definitely not going to stop loving her but what it will mean is I won't be able to expect anything from her anymore. God knows everything about me he knows all my needs and the thing I need most is to find out more of the love he has for me and let him be my best friend. And these words are so true:

"You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be your name"

A new chapter maybe, but I hate it when chapters come to an end. I still hope that things get better one day. And hopefully it won't be too long before I meet a whole-book kind of person in my life, it would be nice at least.

Back to my small group, well it's just gotten smaller again. Last year the group was growing like crazy, now I'm the only core member left, except for Hope whose house it's at (love her :P, she reads this blog by the way, so I clearly trust her). Lauren, who's been with us since the beginning of this year, didn't come last night and when I asked her where she was today she said she wasn't coming anymore, I have no idea why... My prayer request is that God would bring growth to the group again. And also that in lives of the people who go, it would be evident that God lives in us and that the following year God would bring a leader of his choice to make things new again!

Please pray and thanks for keeping interest in my life...
graffitigirl

ADD ON MAY 7:


I heard this song today and this is what it reminded me of. By the way, it hasn't gotten any easier yet... it's almost harder cause I'm praying for her more now. This kind of reminds me of something I read in my Bible a little while ago, God was telling one of the prophets (Jeremiah perhaps) to stop praying for Israel because he was hard set against them for their sins and that he had made up his mind to scatter them. The interesting thing is that he kept praying anyways... and God also did scatter them. Just some food for thought.