ummmm bball girl visit. conflict.

If you can recall, because I can't exactly, I some post some time ago about me not understanding some girl at a gym night... one of those who girls who you just don't really click with but kind of always around in your network of friends type of deal. I forget what it was called my apologize. I think the tone of it was in frustration, though the goal was to sound anything but.

Anyways, I don't know the details but sometime recently, she's very in to sports, she was playing a basketball game and one of the girls on the other team did some cheap shot move to get her out of the game, which actually took her out for the rest of the season. Whatever it was that happened, she had sergury on her right knee just shortly, maybe a week ago or a little longer.

So I didn't know how it would turn out, because I don't think she really likes me, but I went to her house to visit her. Brought her a balloon saying get well. And we talked for a little while and stuff, just me and her. Her and I. Whatever.

What gets me though, is that she talked to me then like I have never heard her talk with me before. Like it was a super nice little visit. And I like to revisit because she won't be doing much for the next three or four months. I just don't get it though. Really just don't understand how it all works. How she can be one way when different people are around and act so then kindly when it's just us, so that I'm left with these two conflicting images of her in my mind. Not that she's unkind in any situation but rather just distanced in the one. I feel like they both can't be true but I don't know what to make of it. Maybe from her perspective I'm just the same.

A revisit is definitely in order though. Maybe I'll bake something for the second visit. Either way, I love her. It's just one of those things. She's a sister in Christ, and I just can't help myself. I'd so love to know her better...

And tonight I heard Lady Gaga's song Bad Romance. I've heard it before but I had a better chance to listen to the words tonight. I've gotta admit the tunes a little catchy but I'm really unimpressed with lyrics that went something like 'I want your ugly, I want your disease as long as it's free' Just no. I won't have it.

Whooo! Jesus High, if you know what I'm saying....

Hey guys! I haven't given you any real update on my life since Saturday, although I hope you've liked the other stuff. So I figured I really needed to put something up, especially because these past few days have been very interesting and I'm on a Jesus high right now! SWEET!

My weekend was very busy with essay writing because I had slacked off before hand. I got distracted once or twice, but overall I worked pretty hard. And considering I HATE essays, I think I did a pretty good job on it. It will be interesting to get that back. That was my culminating for English worth 15%, so I'm really glad that's out of the way.

That's the tip of my iceberg of things that are going on in my life. So I'll keep going onwards... Monday was amazing! It was the last Bible study type group night with the people I'm going to Thunderbay with and also my friends Morgan and Jake who aren't going to Thunderbay. The three leaders who are leaders there (obvi.) were praying for certain people in the group and stuff and we each got individually prayed for this week too. Jodi, an amazing person who loves Jesus and is a really awesome speaker, she was the leader who was praying for me. All the leaders wrote letters for the people they were praying for. Before I had read the letter I decided that I wouldn't share here what was written because it's personal and stuff. But what she said to me is basically what was written in the letter, and it's not really a secret what she said. And it's so cool and I know that God is in this and he's always just blowing me away with how superb he is.

So what she had basically said, was that the day before Monday (Sunday) she had gone out for a walk with Jesus and prayed for the four people that she was praying for when God spoke to her with the words "Friend of God" for me. K, I'm gonna go get the letter so I can draw from it all the things I'm forgetting. The first verse that he put on her heart was John 15:14 "You are my FRIEND if you do what I command you". That could apply to a hundred different things in my life, anybody's really, but it's a call to live in obedience to God, doing things that please him from whatever angle you look at me. Obviously I'm not perfect, but I want to try to live like Jesus and be an example of his love.

The next thing was "Love the LORD you God with all your heart, with all your mind and with all your soul". She wrote out what each of those meant but that's really all about putting him first, and that needs to happen every single day.

This last thing is what she told me was the one He really wanted me to focus on especially. And this is the one that especially won me over and had me sold, not that the other ones didn't but this one hit home. "That you (I) would be a woman [who] also craves God - with Godly appetites". This is what my passion is, what follows, and that she also said: That people would see what I have, and want it. The relationship with my BEST FRIEND (JESUS). My whole passion (after God) is for friends, that I would have good friendships and for my friends who don't know about the good news that Jesus offers, that God would use me to help reach them. That's the kind of thing that excites me most.

I mean that's true to my character, you'll know as you've been getting to know me, for Morgan that God would keep blessing her whether that would mean me being close with her or not, for my friend in my media arts class who I want so desperately to find hope and love in Jesus.

And even today, I have a friend named Angela. It's her birthday today. I don't really know her that well at all because she's honestly one of quietest people I know. But I see her everyday and she goes to my small group so for tomorrow I'd like to do something for her so that she knows that she doesn't go unnoticed. I told my mom that I wanted to do something for her for tomorrow but she didn't get it. She just said that her mom could do something for her if she wanted to but it's different with friends. Moms basically can't forget their own children, that's all there is to it. There's no doubt of their love but if something comes from a friend than you know they mean it because there's nothing there to make them give anything unless it's of their own choice. That's my take on it.

So Monday was really great. I would've put something up here then but I chose to spend time with God who is obviously more important than you guys because I was on a Jesus high then too and I only had time for one of the two, without staying up late that is.

What a contrast Monday was with Tuesday now. You're like "What was Tuesday like?"

Sometimes I feel so fed up with myself because it feels like I can never make the right choices. Yesterday I had homework that needed to be done and I let myself be easily distracted by just about everything I came across. TV, siblings, food, you name it and it distracted me. Now I did get the homework done, but it cost me a lot of sleep last night. And I shamefully didn't put God first like I needed to. That's really all there is too that.

Today I am in a really great mood. I don't know why. Nothing particularly good or bad has happened. The weather is really nice out today. I'm free from a few homework assignments that are now done. I've put God first today and spent time in the Word before coming on here. I'm perfectly content with who I am even though sometimes I make wrong decisions... I don't know. I'm just enjoying life and it's fantastic.

Have a great day guys, Steph!

"All I know is you need love and I've got a family" - AudioA (Big House)

I may or may not have mentioned this before but this place, bloggers that is, is really cool. We're all blogging friends I guess, but I think it's more than than that. We're pretty much prayer partners too, for whereever we're at. This place but mostly you guys are just blessings God has given me. From October, when I first started, to March no one even knew about this blog and I was hardly on.

Then, one April day, I was "managing posts" and when at looked to the right side of the screen I was suddenly shocked to see "1 comment" appear. It was in fact Sam! I guess you could say she's my home girl (don't worry I don't normally say things like that). Since then I've been on almost at least every other day.

So guess it's the same for everyone, this kind of fascination with the fact that none of us (except Sam and Casey) have actually met, and yet we feel so close, almost like a family. And from the comments left here and from what I've seen elsewhere, there's a lot of prayer going on if we're all keeping our words. It's just like "Sure I'll pray for your work, and your prom, and your parents", "You know I'll be praying for your homework and your friends and whatever else is on your mind", and "I'll definitely be praying for that missions trip you're going on for the Big Guy (with all due respect)". It's so cool!!!

So thanks, let's keep it up! Ba ba ba ba ba... I'm loving it! (lame)

Surrender is so hard

I'm blurgging today. Whatever that means.

I have no idea whatever I've written before that might relate to this BUT (sigh) here is something.

February 16 this year was a really cool day for me I guess you could say. It was the Saturday of snocamp with my church. That day I had the chance to talk with my pastor and my friend Morgan about a lot just us. Before the weekend had even begun and I was still considering going I had clearly heard God saying I want you to go even if it costs you, so I went. And always just looking for someone to be a real friend for me. Later on that day at the evening secession there was one of those times when the opportunity comes up where you can just unload whatever's going on to the people around you. And I was hesitant at first to join into the huddle of girls that were hugging and crying and talking and stuff. But after a couple minutes I came over to them and wrapped my arms around them and I didn't mean to, and it was really unnatural for me, but I started crying too.

My friend Morgan was in the group, and even though she had and still does have stuff going on in her life, she was more there as a leader for us. Then the difference between me and the other two girls there was that they were talking about what they were crying about, whereas I was crying without a verbal explanation. What really the truth is that I was looking for a friend like always. And every time I get close to someone I hope that they'll be real and last. Morgan kept hugging me afterwards and it felt soo good and even though I didn't tell her what was going on right then and there I did tell her that I wanted to show her something later on and pray with. Now that I think about it I wish I had said everything and prayed with her right there.

Since then a few things have changed, the Bible study that we were both at at the time wasn't the place where she needed to be (she was the leader of it). The following week she came and instead of following our lousy curriculum, she opened up more than she even had on that weekend. It was good and it gave me hope that group could get to a better place. That was the last week she went though and nothing really came of it. As a side note, I'm not upset at her in anyway to make things clear. Right now the group's not in a great place and it could use some prayer, maybe I'll make a specific request at the end of this...

But anyways, since snocamp I have never really prayed with her the way I want to, although I did show her what I wanted to show her, which was a drawing I drew after an important phone call I made to her in November (I have blogged about that for sure before). I'll post that up here when I bring my sketchbook home. Even then, I don't think she understood how much it really actually meant.

Honestly though, and this is what hurts the most, it never feels like she goes out her way to be my friend. And I love her soo much! I pray for her and her family whenever I get the chance. Now it's come to the point where I just can't ignore that God's telling me to let her go. At least for now, I have to put it all in God's hands and trust him.

And when I pray I just feel like saying "but God you don't know how much I love her and how much I need a real friend". But of course he does and it's hard to trust and surrender it all. I'm definitely not going to stop loving her but what it will mean is I won't be able to expect anything from her anymore. God knows everything about me he knows all my needs and the thing I need most is to find out more of the love he has for me and let him be my best friend. And these words are so true:

"You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be your name"

A new chapter maybe, but I hate it when chapters come to an end. I still hope that things get better one day. And hopefully it won't be too long before I meet a whole-book kind of person in my life, it would be nice at least.

Back to my small group, well it's just gotten smaller again. Last year the group was growing like crazy, now I'm the only core member left, except for Hope whose house it's at (love her :P, she reads this blog by the way, so I clearly trust her). Lauren, who's been with us since the beginning of this year, didn't come last night and when I asked her where she was today she said she wasn't coming anymore, I have no idea why... My prayer request is that God would bring growth to the group again. And also that in lives of the people who go, it would be evident that God lives in us and that the following year God would bring a leader of his choice to make things new again!

Please pray and thanks for keeping interest in my life...
graffitigirl

ADD ON MAY 7:


I heard this song today and this is what it reminded me of. By the way, it hasn't gotten any easier yet... it's almost harder cause I'm praying for her more now. This kind of reminds me of something I read in my Bible a little while ago, God was telling one of the prophets (Jeremiah perhaps) to stop praying for Israel because he was hard set against them for their sins and that he had made up his mind to scatter them. The interesting thing is that he kept praying anyways... and God also did scatter them. Just some food for thought.

Other Things at the Moment

Almost all of my university friends are back home again now, which is so good! They were always here before this year so when they first left it felt like the roof over my head wasn't there anymore. It was weird and kind of hard at first. You just know that you're automatically a leader by the time you get to the eleventh grade, like it or not. Plus, when this school year started I had just come back from a missions trip, which pretty much made it official, no turning back. Not a bad thing but new. And having them back just reminds me of how awesome and unique they all definitely are!

Yesterday I skateboarded all the way home from church. It was awesome but my bearings suck, so I'm getting Bones Reds, the biggest bang for my buck. I hope to learn and get better at tricks too.

Yesterday I also went to a thing called snacs (acronym for Sunday night after church service). We basically sing songs of praise and pray. But last night it was outside and I was only wearing shorts and a T-shirt. My friend Mel (who's house it was at) gave me a sweater cause it was cold. Later on I jokingly asked her for some pants and she got me some. I was playing the drums and I didn't have enough time to get them on all the way between songs so I left them at the top of my thighs but not covering my butt. My shorts were plaid and it pretty much looked like I was wearing my pants really low and wearing boxers. It was really funny and I left it like that on purpose. Well, when else would I ever have that kind of opportunity again, huh? Great stuff. Well that's it.

By the way, I realize I'm writing quite a few of these... so if you're having a hard time keeping up, I understand and I apologize.

A Question of What Self-Worth Is

It feels like I've got a million friends that have never understood me. It's not a question of who I am anymore, but more why no one can see through me, why no one sees me the way I see myself... or rather the way God sees me. Well, I guess no one will ever see the way He does.

Here it is: Africa 2007, one thing I was really looking forward to, was getting close to some people on my team and really being good friends with them, while serving God and just hanging out, stuff like that. Well that never really happened for me. I mean, sure there's stories of some of the things we did together and all, but if there's nothing more than stories in our friendship than what's it worth, y'know. It seemed like the sarcastic comments never ended on the trip. None of them were supposed to mean anything, but I was hurt anyways, mostly by Morgan. I've got nothing against her and I'm not mad at her at all. Maybe it was wrong to expect great friendships to come of the missions trip. And just all the little things that happened that really shouldn't matter, like how everybody fell in love with Adam's funny personality and when he wasn't around said things like "I'm glad he's on our team, I wasn't expecting him to be such a great guy to have around", I just wonder if anybody thought anything like that about me when I wasn't around. I will never regret going to Africa, especially not because of that, but that expectation was deffinitely blown...

Away from Africa now, I just feel like my quietness has built a wall around me and I'm trapped, and seperated from everybody else. Maybe it's my unwillingness to share what I'm really feeling that's making me feel so lonely, maybe real friends would pop out of nowhere if I only made myself more "readable", but I honestly have no idea how to do that. I really just want even one real friend (aside from Jesus) who I can rely on, go over to their house to hang with and pray too, just to do whatever. A best friend, someone I can be myself around. The closest person to that I've had is Lisa. She'd always be willing to hang out, just us two, not needing anybody else to have fun and always willing to listen to what I had to say. I don't spend hours and hours and hours making graffiti things as wedding gifts for just anybody. She's really special to me and I'm going to keep our friendship as strong as possible even now that she's living in Saskatshewan, but let's just say hanging out really isn't a possiblility anymore.

Aside from all those exhausted words, I guess what I need to do is face my fear of rejection, and take a risk, try to be more of a friend to other people to get more friends . That probably makes me sound a whole lot less friendlier than I really am and it's deffinitely a lot easier said than done, as they say, that's for sure. And I really have no idea whether that's really what I need to do or not. I'm just praying that something changes along the way, maybe me, maybe the people around me. The words from Jarsofclay's song Good Monsters, are true though, "Nothing ever changes, nothing ever changes... by itself". This is no conclusion at all by the way, I have no idea what will happen next and it's deffinitely all in God's hands. I'm hoping that the way I'm seen is someone worth loving and someone worth getting to know and someone worth being friends with and being honest with and eveything like that too, because that's what I am.