Thinking Space

Bloggers is a great place to go for thinking, to get away from stuff that's going on and just write. My essay's nearing end now, it will be finished tonight. It seems like I've just lost all my words as I come to write, as if this is something important and that it matters who reads this. As if I should have to think about what I'm writing. Journaling has also interested me, not as a profession but just as a hobby. Like a diary. I've tried to get into it. By keeping a notebook and writing in it. Then, I'll make some kind of mistake and it'll lose it's effect and then soon I'll lose interest. The problem with it for me is that I write in whatever it is at the end of the day. I record the things that happened during the day but don't express what I'm feeling. Maybe this'll be different... A place to vent my mind.

Hmm... not much else to say I guess. Unless something else comes to mind before I quit typing.
You want to talk about something? Let's talk about the high school and the kinds of things that go on there. I'm just writing from my own perspective though. There's no research behind any of this, except maybe if you consider my own self a primary resource... So what I'd really like to write is just the people, the teens, specifically the teen girls, since I'm a girl and obviously know them best. (But not just girls, and you're thinking long enough intro already) There's so many issues and stuff that teens go through. Lots for sure. You've got the people who like to call themselves emo who are usually somewhat depressed, possibly resolving to cutting and maybe even having suicidal thoughts. Then there are others who are wasting themselves on drugs because of possible situations that they can't control. For those people it probably doesn't seem like a lot of hope for their future, they might come from broken families. For them the chance of getting sound education won't seem like a reality. It's not just those people who have issues to deal with. I think it's probably everybody to a certain extent, if they're being real. Sometimes I really wish people would be more open to talk. What kind of wall are we covering ourselves with? Laughing? Makeup? Quietness? Popularity? I don't know... keeping yourselve busy with some kind of hobby? Supposedly, only half of us are still virgins... I'm deffinately going to continue this later but it is a downer that I have a lot of work to do on an essay that's due tomorrow. Maybe I'll finsh this tomorrow in a new blog if I'm not asleep...

So if you've managed to stubble upon this blog and happen to cut I've got a video that should bring you some hope. Or find it at http://youtube.com/watch?v=8n6x1AgvrfA.




That's it for now.

A Question of What Self-Worth Is

It feels like I've got a million friends that have never understood me. It's not a question of who I am anymore, but more why no one can see through me, why no one sees me the way I see myself... or rather the way God sees me. Well, I guess no one will ever see the way He does.

Here it is: Africa 2007, one thing I was really looking forward to, was getting close to some people on my team and really being good friends with them, while serving God and just hanging out, stuff like that. Well that never really happened for me. I mean, sure there's stories of some of the things we did together and all, but if there's nothing more than stories in our friendship than what's it worth, y'know. It seemed like the sarcastic comments never ended on the trip. None of them were supposed to mean anything, but I was hurt anyways, mostly by Morgan. I've got nothing against her and I'm not mad at her at all. Maybe it was wrong to expect great friendships to come of the missions trip. And just all the little things that happened that really shouldn't matter, like how everybody fell in love with Adam's funny personality and when he wasn't around said things like "I'm glad he's on our team, I wasn't expecting him to be such a great guy to have around", I just wonder if anybody thought anything like that about me when I wasn't around. I will never regret going to Africa, especially not because of that, but that expectation was deffinitely blown...

Away from Africa now, I just feel like my quietness has built a wall around me and I'm trapped, and seperated from everybody else. Maybe it's my unwillingness to share what I'm really feeling that's making me feel so lonely, maybe real friends would pop out of nowhere if I only made myself more "readable", but I honestly have no idea how to do that. I really just want even one real friend (aside from Jesus) who I can rely on, go over to their house to hang with and pray too, just to do whatever. A best friend, someone I can be myself around. The closest person to that I've had is Lisa. She'd always be willing to hang out, just us two, not needing anybody else to have fun and always willing to listen to what I had to say. I don't spend hours and hours and hours making graffiti things as wedding gifts for just anybody. She's really special to me and I'm going to keep our friendship as strong as possible even now that she's living in Saskatshewan, but let's just say hanging out really isn't a possiblility anymore.

Aside from all those exhausted words, I guess what I need to do is face my fear of rejection, and take a risk, try to be more of a friend to other people to get more friends . That probably makes me sound a whole lot less friendlier than I really am and it's deffinitely a lot easier said than done, as they say, that's for sure. And I really have no idea whether that's really what I need to do or not. I'm just praying that something changes along the way, maybe me, maybe the people around me. The words from Jarsofclay's song Good Monsters, are true though, "Nothing ever changes, nothing ever changes... by itself". This is no conclusion at all by the way, I have no idea what will happen next and it's deffinitely all in God's hands. I'm hoping that the way I'm seen is someone worth loving and someone worth getting to know and someone worth being friends with and being honest with and eveything like that too, because that's what I am.