hmmph... can you relate to any of this?

Well, I didn't post anything this Sunday. So I suppose I'll write something now.

Really, my life is fairly boring most of the time. What to write...

Do you know that there's a girl in my mind that I imagine I might like being? That is if I were someone different from myself. A very nerdy, simple girl. I imagine her spending lots of time in the library just learning. Someone who likes to write. Like - a lot. More than I ever have, and she dreams of writing a book to which I could relate. A regular person, as far as I am regular. Maybe someone like me would be a main character. And in those pages, my mind and thoughts might be more beautifully verbalized and explained. Almost poetry, but not quite leaving the realm of prose. Perhaps if such a book were written, an understanding of the usual could be revealed through the things unsaid. The day to day happenings might let what is raw be seen.

The cover would be very plain, just the title on the side. Nothing to attract you to it. Yet, if someone should find it, a treasure would lie inside, waiting to be found.

(Yuck, I'd hate to think I just made a metaphor for myself.)

Simply put, I like the idea of being a big reader. But I have yet to find a book to which I can relate. To a certain extent, I can't help but think that whether fiction or not, it would be a waste of time to read and not have your thinking changed in some way.

I'm hooked on reality. I'm hooked on soberly building relationships and getting to know someone's 'character', if you will. Yet, there's still a longing to escape because the people in my life seem to just remain faces, rather than thinking persons with their own history, directions and passions. And once again, I'll come to the place where I can say I'm stuck. So that's all the conclusion you get out of me for now. I'm stuck and I have nothing else to add to that. Lest I should say something after this....

Nope. Well, actually I'll leave you with this: I'm stuck but I still hope.

Sundays bother me.

Maybe I'm a allergic to Sundays. But here's the weekly thing that I write up that will get me mostly likely nowhere.

I see inconsistencies. Gaps that bother me. I can't escape them. I can't leave them. Maybe they can be fixed. Changed. Maybe I can have a small influence in that direction. Though I don't know what that means in any entirety. I'm uncomfortable with how things are. Yet I'm thankful because I'd rather struggle every single week than choose the bliss ignorance gives.

I'm in a place of molding. And I hope we all are. I hope we can all have a little humility. (sigh) I'm so broken. I do know what to do with what I see, but the sight is yet to change. O how I long. Yearning but just... nothing. Tears, hidden. I feel so pseudo-real in this longing for this authenticity.

I struggle because I know Truth, and I'm challenged. It challenges me. I'm faced with this insurmountable challenge that I can't deal with on my own. But I can't let it be the death of me. Never. Because it's Truth, and my life clings to it. I want to live and see something great, see joy overflowing.

So for now I'll count the little things as grace, because that's exactly what they are. One more breath. One more happening to give hope. Hoping. A risk of it's own.

God, give me the grace to have faith and to move. Words to speak, and a time to speak them. People with whom I can speak and trust. Someone who shares this vision. Peace, never to excuse apathy, but know that You're timing is good and perfect. Help me to learn to wait on You, and to know You. Thank You.

I wish people could see...

I'm just so sick of waiting. And no, this isn't Valentine related even though it's the 14th. I'm not talking about the boys. Whether they ever come or not, at this time, I really could care less.

I'm thinking of the same thing I always thinking about. I'm sick of waiting for something to change because I feel like no progress is ever made. Every time something looks like it might hold possibility, I hope. My heart hopes and longs, and then gets let down. The waiting is very, very hard, and the worst thing is that I have no idea whether waiting is even what I'm supposed to be doing or if there's something I could be doing or saying or being that would better help.

Oh well, something to pray about I guess. I'm just so sick of waiting.

ummmm bball girl visit. conflict.

If you can recall, because I can't exactly, I some post some time ago about me not understanding some girl at a gym night... one of those who girls who you just don't really click with but kind of always around in your network of friends type of deal. I forget what it was called my apologize. I think the tone of it was in frustration, though the goal was to sound anything but.

Anyways, I don't know the details but sometime recently, she's very in to sports, she was playing a basketball game and one of the girls on the other team did some cheap shot move to get her out of the game, which actually took her out for the rest of the season. Whatever it was that happened, she had sergury on her right knee just shortly, maybe a week ago or a little longer.

So I didn't know how it would turn out, because I don't think she really likes me, but I went to her house to visit her. Brought her a balloon saying get well. And we talked for a little while and stuff, just me and her. Her and I. Whatever.

What gets me though, is that she talked to me then like I have never heard her talk with me before. Like it was a super nice little visit. And I like to revisit because she won't be doing much for the next three or four months. I just don't get it though. Really just don't understand how it all works. How she can be one way when different people are around and act so then kindly when it's just us, so that I'm left with these two conflicting images of her in my mind. Not that she's unkind in any situation but rather just distanced in the one. I feel like they both can't be true but I don't know what to make of it. Maybe from her perspective I'm just the same.

A revisit is definitely in order though. Maybe I'll bake something for the second visit. Either way, I love her. It's just one of those things. She's a sister in Christ, and I just can't help myself. I'd so love to know her better...

And tonight I heard Lady Gaga's song Bad Romance. I've heard it before but I had a better chance to listen to the words tonight. I've gotta admit the tunes a little catchy but I'm really unimpressed with lyrics that went something like 'I want your ugly, I want your disease as long as it's free' Just no. I won't have it.

working on a list.

Still to do

-perform a well thought out spoken word poem.

-get into the practice of videoing life

-make use of the gifts I've been given

-learn to do good cartwheels (or even semigood ones)

-visit at least five of the states, at once if possible

-live in the city for a year, or maybe just six months... we'll see

-support the pink cross foundation as in seriously join it or something


ok, so it's in progress, but I just wanted to get it started tonight.

someone simply pleasant

this weekend was c&c snocamp weekend. very refreshing. like one new breath of good air.

now this weekend. at c&c. there was a band. a band i would say is too popular to be playing at a weekend thing like this was, but they were there. i won't tell you who they were. i'll keep that a secret for myself. i'll give you a hint though, they've been touring with the newsboys lately. maybe that gives you an idea of where they're going.

one very cool thing about them is that, i would say, they are very down to earth. yesterday when dinner was more or less coming to an end. i took my orange juice and went over to their table where they were sitting and got to hang out with them a bit.

they also had orange juice of their own. so i think of that time as having an orange juice with them. y'know, we were having an orange juice together, and then i spilt mine of course. how embarrassing. the bassist who i was sitting beside helped me clean it up. it was a little funny.

after that point, he and i talked for a while. it was so simple. he was just so good to talk with. it's not like we spoke as if we had always known each other but it was just good. so good. like he's the kind of guy i'd want to get to know and be best friends with. i heart him. i really, really liked him. i have no way of practically reaching him again now. unless i want to be a creeper and go to the their next concert.

and i could've had my picture taken with him yesterday. i didn't though because a lot of people were and i felt like it wouldn't be special in someway, plus i figured i could get one today. but things don't always work that way. it's like my biggest regret of the weekend now, but i suppose that's ok.

it's not even like anything of significance happened. it's just he made me smile. even when i think of him now. i don't know. i just know i wish someone like him could be a part of my life. *sigh* so i'll wait. at least he gives me hope. in some sweet, innocent kind of way. maybe even some naive way, i just love him. and i simply had to write something to that point here. sorry. <3 this makes me sound like i'm five. what can you do.

I just realized...

I just realized that this evening, when I came to post something new, I was really only going to end up posting something old. Anything I could write would only be reiterating my last post. But more strongly. I am hurting deeply; this heartache is paining me.

It's one of those Sunday things lately I guess. And I guess this really just means that things aren't well but I don't know what to do about it.

A little while ago, emailed my pastor saying something that had my last post at the heart of it, though it was less revealing of my thoughts. I haven't heard back from him yet. Basically, there is a deep lack of fellowship in my life right now and it's absolutely killing me.

But let's not be mistaken. God's grace is here, and I know it. I can see it even in the small things. Just like the way I was able to have a really good laugh this evening. Thank you.