My biggest fear, I've discovered this year, is the fear of calling people to ask for support money. Can you believe it? I've nearly been crippled by it. Only now, as the deadline for getting the funds in to go to China approaches, has the sense of urgency been enough to push me to get going really. But I'm glad for it! I fear of calling has been a mix of fear of confidence, fear of being accepted, fear of being rejected. Probably the fear of other things, too, all mixed together! But the urgency has actually pushed to start making calls. And while I still don't feel like it's my greatest strength, I've found that it's not as bad as I imagined.
I don't like only getting one chance per call to say things in the right way with the right ways. But what I've done when I've forced myself to make calls is that I'll go into the washroom to psyche myself up. I'll set my timer for three minutes to make my physical presence seem bigger. And I'll smile the whole time to make myself feel happy. Today I even made myself laugh during that time. I think doing that boosts my sense of confidence and decreases my nervousness somehow.
Then, when I'm basically ready, I look at the list of numbers to call and find the nicest person on the list and call them first. Then I choose the next nicest. And after talking to a few nice people, everyone starts to seem a less scary in my mind and if things go well, I won't be afraid to call anyone. Since I know that feeling doesn't last forever, I'll call as many people as I can in one shot. When I feel like I've called a fair amount of people, I call it a night and pat myself on the back. "Good job, Steph!" (I'll think to myself.) "You're amazing! I'm SO proud of you. That was a difficult job and you totally overcame it!" Apparently, I don't get enough praise for doing the right thing. Nobody understands exactly how overwhelmed the idea of calling people makes me feel. So when I do a good job, I just congratulate myself. Yesterday, I even imagined that I would draw myself a pictures filled with hearts, one for every call that was made. I didn't end up doing it but imagined that as a real thing.
The other thing that I've done the last couple times after calling is to journal about how it went. Journal out in detail what the fear has made me think and feel. How I felt how and sweaty when I was nervous, and had to take off my sweatshirt and even switch into a lighter top. Crazy things like that. I'd also journal out the successes, and the surprises that went well or not so well. Like how an intimidating answering machine message compelled me to leave a message (leave-a-message-or-else kind of feel) when otherwise I would have just hung up. And then the person give me a response when I saw them next, so maybe it was for the better! Or the family that I thought would be too busy to be interested was, in fact, very interest and only asked for my flexibility. Why, of course, I'll be flexible!
I've journaled yet today, so I'll do that now here. Today I started earlier in the evening and felt more confident from the start than earlier days. However, I still ended up starting at about the same time as yesterday by the time I got started. I did the same washroom exercise of making my physical presence bigger and smiling before starting. I chose to call a family friend as my first call tonight. No answer. I left a message, but it wasn't very well worded at all. I wish I could redo it, really. But that's the benefit of calling someone you've known for your whole life. You can make your mistakes with them and the relationship is so secure, you know they'll still be friends even when you're not perfect. Next, I thought I might call my grandparents (mom's side). I had a nice visit with my grandma. But my granddad wasn't home so that we could set up a time to Skype and talk more. When he got home, shortly after we had hung up, he called back. Saying that they would both like to Skype, as well as support me. By the time we finished talking, it was starting to get a bit late and my mom was asking me to walk the dog with her before the sun went down. So only two calls in (ten less than yesterday), I called it a night. And a successful one even so!
I may or may not have the chance to call people tomorrow night. I'm hoping I might be able to Skype a friend of mine tomorrow. But if it doesn't work out, then I will be calling people tomorrow, too. I like calling people, actually. But as I wrote in my journal yesterday, I feel like a cat learning to like to bathe. It's a huge learning curve, but I am truly starting to enjoy it more. I makes the process of getting responses from people much quicker than just hoping that people will respond to a letter that's been sent out or a presentation made at a fellowship. All that to say, I'm thankful. I'm thankful for the this whole learning process. It's fun in a messy kind of way. It's kind of amazing because overcoming what's scary is no little thing, but so delightful as it happens. I'm working towards 70% for June 15th. I'm confident the Father will see me through with it. And much more past that, too! To his name be all the praise!
No comments:
Post a Comment