Sundays bother me.

Maybe I'm a allergic to Sundays. But here's the weekly thing that I write up that will get me mostly likely nowhere.

I see inconsistencies. Gaps that bother me. I can't escape them. I can't leave them. Maybe they can be fixed. Changed. Maybe I can have a small influence in that direction. Though I don't know what that means in any entirety. I'm uncomfortable with how things are. Yet I'm thankful because I'd rather struggle every single week than choose the bliss ignorance gives.

I'm in a place of molding. And I hope we all are. I hope we can all have a little humility. (sigh) I'm so broken. I do know what to do with what I see, but the sight is yet to change. O how I long. Yearning but just... nothing. Tears, hidden. I feel so pseudo-real in this longing for this authenticity.

I struggle because I know Truth, and I'm challenged. It challenges me. I'm faced with this insurmountable challenge that I can't deal with on my own. But I can't let it be the death of me. Never. Because it's Truth, and my life clings to it. I want to live and see something great, see joy overflowing.

So for now I'll count the little things as grace, because that's exactly what they are. One more breath. One more happening to give hope. Hoping. A risk of it's own.

God, give me the grace to have faith and to move. Words to speak, and a time to speak them. People with whom I can speak and trust. Someone who shares this vision. Peace, never to excuse apathy, but know that You're timing is good and perfect. Help me to learn to wait on You, and to know You. Thank You.

I wish people could see...

I'm just so sick of waiting. And no, this isn't Valentine related even though it's the 14th. I'm not talking about the boys. Whether they ever come or not, at this time, I really could care less.

I'm thinking of the same thing I always thinking about. I'm sick of waiting for something to change because I feel like no progress is ever made. Every time something looks like it might hold possibility, I hope. My heart hopes and longs, and then gets let down. The waiting is very, very hard, and the worst thing is that I have no idea whether waiting is even what I'm supposed to be doing or if there's something I could be doing or saying or being that would better help.

Oh well, something to pray about I guess. I'm just so sick of waiting.

ummmm bball girl visit. conflict.

If you can recall, because I can't exactly, I some post some time ago about me not understanding some girl at a gym night... one of those who girls who you just don't really click with but kind of always around in your network of friends type of deal. I forget what it was called my apologize. I think the tone of it was in frustration, though the goal was to sound anything but.

Anyways, I don't know the details but sometime recently, she's very in to sports, she was playing a basketball game and one of the girls on the other team did some cheap shot move to get her out of the game, which actually took her out for the rest of the season. Whatever it was that happened, she had sergury on her right knee just shortly, maybe a week ago or a little longer.

So I didn't know how it would turn out, because I don't think she really likes me, but I went to her house to visit her. Brought her a balloon saying get well. And we talked for a little while and stuff, just me and her. Her and I. Whatever.

What gets me though, is that she talked to me then like I have never heard her talk with me before. Like it was a super nice little visit. And I like to revisit because she won't be doing much for the next three or four months. I just don't get it though. Really just don't understand how it all works. How she can be one way when different people are around and act so then kindly when it's just us, so that I'm left with these two conflicting images of her in my mind. Not that she's unkind in any situation but rather just distanced in the one. I feel like they both can't be true but I don't know what to make of it. Maybe from her perspective I'm just the same.

A revisit is definitely in order though. Maybe I'll bake something for the second visit. Either way, I love her. It's just one of those things. She's a sister in Christ, and I just can't help myself. I'd so love to know her better...

And tonight I heard Lady Gaga's song Bad Romance. I've heard it before but I had a better chance to listen to the words tonight. I've gotta admit the tunes a little catchy but I'm really unimpressed with lyrics that went something like 'I want your ugly, I want your disease as long as it's free' Just no. I won't have it.