Thursday, February 14, 2008
Just read it.
Frigg, I'm just writing this one. I'm just doing it. I don't know any other way to just let everything that's on my mind out right now. And I'd write this in my notes section on Facebook but it's about a thousand times more public, and people who actually know me would read. Here, I'm guessing no one will read this. And that hurts me in a way because I want the people I love to know what I'm feeling but here it is, what's on my heart.
I don't know how to say what I want to say but I know that I'm hurting. It's a hurt that keeps coming back too. I feel like so many of my friends, friends from the church, aren't real friends. I'm confused. I know I need to tell this to someone who can hear my voice, hear what I'm saying and at least understand. But right this is all I can do. I pray God would give me the strength to say what needs to said.
Oh... I'm dragging this out. I want to know people care about me really care. Two weeks ago I went with my dad's church on a snowcamp and got a chance to hang out with some of my old friends and it was almost teasing me. I don't know. When I was there it just seemed like there was such potential for great friendships. But I know that that's not where I'm supposed to be. When I came home that Sunday evening, after everyone had gone to bed, I cried for a long time. One of my deepest heartfelt cries. A cry that would clearly scream "I need help!" if anyone had actually heard it. And one of the things that hurt the most was that I felt like I had no excuse to feel that way. I'll leave that there.
At my own church, asides from one person basically my own age (who I love), I've always just felt that my friends and just friends and not much more, not real friends. No one there has ever let me know that they'll be a friend for me to rely on when I need help.
So like a week went by and the following Sunday, and my pastor was talking to me. Previously to that day, I hadn't been at youth lately (something like a few weeks I had missed) for reasons that were unrelated to anybody. Just circumstances that interfered. So I'm talking to my pastor before the service starts, and he tells me that people have been asking about me, wondering where I've been and if I'm ok.
So that morning, as we were singing the songs, I had a really hard time keeping myself from breaking down in front of everyone. I didn't, but I don't even know if I would have prefered it to be the other way around. I wonder what would have happened if I had simply burst our into tears because no one really seen me cry. I'm introverted and I don't do that kind of thing in front of people ever.
You probably don't even understand why I that was hard for me, why that gave me any kind reason to feel like that. Maybe you're thinking, "Why cry? Didn't he just people were asking about you? Doesn't that mean some people care?"
Well, maybe you're right. But here's why I would've cried, it's the reason why I even cried today, privately in my room that is. (By the way, today is still recent to all of these things). No one even knows that I cry... Well, here's what makes frustrated, confused, upset, sad, any of those things. Why did those people only care enough when I was gone? Why couldn't even one person come up to me when I was there and say "hey, I care for you"? How come no one ever took the time to call me to check up on me and just see I was doing?
I would kind of like to know who those people were that said something to him. Who are you?! I want to know, because I just want to know. Say it was some girl named Sally who had asked the pastor if he knew how I was doing (I don't know a Sally, I'm only using it as example). The next time I'd see Sally, I wouldn't say anything, but I'd watch them. I'd watch them to see what they would do. To see if me being there, after their asking, would make any difference at all. And I'd really like to know who really cares.
I only really know one or two people who care at least a little (I mentioned the one earlier). I only really just want to be loved. And I want to be honest with those two people. Just letting them know what's going on in my life, what I'm feeling, what I'm going through, and what's really on mind. And yeah, trully, the sooner the better. That's all.
Ok, so in short, I would really love it if someone took the first step and came up to me personally, invited me into their life to be a friend that's faithful, someone I can rely on. And right now, I don't know if there's anyone like that...
I don't know how to say what I want to say but I know that I'm hurting. It's a hurt that keeps coming back too. I feel like so many of my friends, friends from the church, aren't real friends. I'm confused. I know I need to tell this to someone who can hear my voice, hear what I'm saying and at least understand. But right this is all I can do. I pray God would give me the strength to say what needs to said.
Oh... I'm dragging this out. I want to know people care about me really care. Two weeks ago I went with my dad's church on a snowcamp and got a chance to hang out with some of my old friends and it was almost teasing me. I don't know. When I was there it just seemed like there was such potential for great friendships. But I know that that's not where I'm supposed to be. When I came home that Sunday evening, after everyone had gone to bed, I cried for a long time. One of my deepest heartfelt cries. A cry that would clearly scream "I need help!" if anyone had actually heard it. And one of the things that hurt the most was that I felt like I had no excuse to feel that way. I'll leave that there.
At my own church, asides from one person basically my own age (who I love), I've always just felt that my friends and just friends and not much more, not real friends. No one there has ever let me know that they'll be a friend for me to rely on when I need help.
So like a week went by and the following Sunday, and my pastor was talking to me. Previously to that day, I hadn't been at youth lately (something like a few weeks I had missed) for reasons that were unrelated to anybody. Just circumstances that interfered. So I'm talking to my pastor before the service starts, and he tells me that people have been asking about me, wondering where I've been and if I'm ok.
So that morning, as we were singing the songs, I had a really hard time keeping myself from breaking down in front of everyone. I didn't, but I don't even know if I would have prefered it to be the other way around. I wonder what would have happened if I had simply burst our into tears because no one really seen me cry. I'm introverted and I don't do that kind of thing in front of people ever.
You probably don't even understand why I that was hard for me, why that gave me any kind reason to feel like that. Maybe you're thinking, "Why cry? Didn't he just people were asking about you? Doesn't that mean some people care?"
Well, maybe you're right. But here's why I would've cried, it's the reason why I even cried today, privately in my room that is. (By the way, today is still recent to all of these things). No one even knows that I cry... Well, here's what makes frustrated, confused, upset, sad, any of those things. Why did those people only care enough when I was gone? Why couldn't even one person come up to me when I was there and say "hey, I care for you"? How come no one ever took the time to call me to check up on me and just see I was doing?
I would kind of like to know who those people were that said something to him. Who are you?! I want to know, because I just want to know. Say it was some girl named Sally who had asked the pastor if he knew how I was doing (I don't know a Sally, I'm only using it as example). The next time I'd see Sally, I wouldn't say anything, but I'd watch them. I'd watch them to see what they would do. To see if me being there, after their asking, would make any difference at all. And I'd really like to know who really cares.
I only really know one or two people who care at least a little (I mentioned the one earlier). I only really just want to be loved. And I want to be honest with those two people. Just letting them know what's going on in my life, what I'm feeling, what I'm going through, and what's really on mind. And yeah, trully, the sooner the better. That's all.
Ok, so in short, I would really love it if someone took the first step and came up to me personally, invited me into their life to be a friend that's faithful, someone I can rely on. And right now, I don't know if there's anyone like that...
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