Inconvenient

May 10, 2015

My whole world has been changing so much lately. Much more quickly than I would prefer but still changing at the right and necessary pace given the circumstances of this transitional period. In the midst of the changes happening around me, I find that there are also inconveniences. Two in particular are my mind, though there may be several others.

The first of these is the inconvenience of learning more about myself. Lately, I have specifically been learning about my need for intimacy. This need was doubly confirmed, on top of the emotional highs and lows that I’ve had, when I was reading a chapter from the book Friend Raising. Apparently, it’s one of the greatest human needs. Mother Teresa is even reported to have said that loneliness was the greatest human problems. And she’s seen a lot.

It’s inconvenient to find that I need people in my life, especially close personal relations with others, when I find myself in a new town with no close friends yet. Then, there’s the tension of having to leave again soon. So whatever people I get to know in the time I have, I know that I won’t be able to remain in close connection forever, even if I do return with regularity.

The other inconvenience on my mind is that I’ve decided to quit drinking coffee, maybe forever. But at least for a month. I only drink it moderately, usually only a cup or two a day. Still, I’ve found that lately I’ve used it just to keep me going, and I’ve only felt more drained. It may just be one factor in a whole host of things that need correction in my life, but it’s at least one place I can start. So I’ve decided to let myself have a break and let my body reset itself.

I think that that decision will be worthwhile when my body starts to find and create its own natural energy more freely. Until then, this is an untimely inconvenience, but still necessary. These two things, learning the need for intimacy by name, and the work of resetting the body, I find extremely inconvenient at a time when I have other seemingly more important things to be doing but they’re right. It’s right, even if the timing’s inconvenient, to get things in order – if such a thing could ever be possible. And I’m really, really thankful that there’s grace in all of this. So much grace. I would break to pieces without God’s gentleness walking with me, but he is good. I’m very thankful, for grace and for the grace of inconveniences.

Distress of Discontent

Dilemma strikes again.
Posing questions to cyberspace.
Many answers to return.
None breathes life.
They offer no intelligence.

Do I ask, as though to pray?
This time I will not.
But the God above, instead to seek.
Who will hear my cry?
Who will see the anguish?

Nothing is right,
I feel inside.
Friends, are you so satisfied?
Discontent encroaches all around.
Who is the one blind to see?

Is the call not greater than busyness?
Is redemption only individual,
With no further implications?
If we should gather,
What is our purpose?

If I come to sit, and hear a little,
Then leave alone, the way I came.
Is that all it takes to satisfy?
Do those motions make you smile?
Am I the only one who sees the flaw?

The flaw I see but solution, not.
I cannot show the rage I feel.
For who would hear a lacking smile?
Does change ever come bottom-up?
Perhaps this is not my place.

Still, I must survive.
Seeking a heart of warmth.
But until exposed, then addressed,
Should the poison surge abiding?
Send the doctor, please, be quick.

What she has

She has no legs;
She won't run.
She has no arms;
She won't fight.

But-

She has heart;
So she'll feel.
Eyes
And she'll cry.
Words
So she'll write.

Nike for Creativity

There seems to be a way in which people get so caught in everything that is immediately in front of them. This is something I’m guilty of, too. but I find that it’s an especially difficult pattern to break when your dependent on others to create that world that surrounds you. I mean specifically the kinds of things that we use to entertain ourselves. Because if we become too reliant on others than we lose the ability to create, examine and interpret the world for ourselves.

For example, music. Music never satisfies. It fills like a cup that has lost its bottom. It fills, yes, but then it empties. So we become dependent on new sounds, always new sounds to fancy our ears and bring us to new sensations by the combination of new interval patterns. There’s the potential to feel awakened in the moment. Then hit replay. Feel it again. And again. And again. Until it too becomes old. Search for the new. But by search, I mean find a new artist, a new album, a new style, a new beat - that someone else has created. Let someone else do it.

But. What if the world fell silent? What if we lost all recorded music? What if the only music available to us was the music we could create in the present moment? What melodies would you whistle? Would you create your own? Would you find that music was worth so much to you that you would seek to teach yourself its rules? Go out of your way to find an instrument and excavate its treasures? Or would you move on and forget this gift of music all together?

My concern is this: We leave creativity (of all sorts) to the professionals. If its quality is not of the highest standard, than it simply cannot be tolerated. So we say we can’t create, and pay others to do it instead.

My challenge would be, then, in every area, whether it be music, storytelling, poetry, art, making videos, to learn to break from what’s popular and just. cre. ate. It might suck. But then you’ll know it. And maybe you’ll grow. Or maybe you won’t and that’s OK, too. Other people will still create art available to enjoy. But if you don’t try yourself, you’ll never know what you’re capable of. Just do it.

#nikeforcreativity
#sorryforanytypos
#lunch>proofreading

Tick Tock

Tick tock
          Another winter’s come and gone
Tick tock
          Only days left to go
Tick tock
          Lift your eyes up -
          Lift your eyes up!
Tick tock
          The time is now to trust in God
Tick tock
          Your weak hands can be made strong
Tick tock
          For forgiveness is already yours
          Wait for the good name of the Lord

Written by Stephanie Sophia
March 12, 2015

Three Couplets

Three couplets I wrote today (February 16, 2015):

One:

    In solving a riddle, this you may find:
    How to be still, should you be so inclined.

Two:

    A pictured beauty forever unknown.
    For out of the window, I shall not be thrown.

Three:

    Your word given as a sure token, yes.
    But I could not foresee the brokenness.


Edit:

Here's two more. The last one's dedicated to my quadmates, though I haven't had the chance to use it yet:

I am at home with four people today.
I counted myself as the fourth, OK?

Will one or both of you go for a walk?
I promise this time there won't be a fox.




Stephanie Sophia

I am the Sea // Un Jeu du Patience

I write to keep a distance,
If I write in poetry.
But I recognize that I am
    the only one with my exact story,
    with my exact struggles,
    with my exact eyes.
It may be the only one
    I know enough to write.
So rather than taking my pen to escape,
    I think I’ll use it to paint.

According to some physical law,
    the more space, the less time;
    the more time, the less space;
    and time is relative.
I am relatively content that
My time in this space
Comes to its close.

People have been my puzzle;
Myself a piece and a puzzle within -
I prefer the French term: Casse-tête.
But unlike a hobby,
    I can’t break for a week,
    or even a day.
The best I can do is just get by myself.

I tell myself I will be content.
“I commit myself to contentment.”
But it’s a most difficult commitment,
When my cortisol rises.
    “I will not run;
    I will not rage.”
Still -
    still,
    still,
    still...
It gets restless in here.

What do you expect of me?
    I would hope for you to find refreshment here,
    Rather than a murky March mess.

Oh, what do you see in me?
    Am I a prism?
    Or a plain glass pane?
I hope you see me -

But if you don’t, 
I will show you.
A dance between guilt and gospel,
A dance between together and solitude,
    Between today and tomorrow,
    Between fullness and brokenness,
    Between discontent and self-control,
    Between song and quiet,
    Between together and near insanity.
    Between you and me -

I love you.
And I hope you can accept that I am the sea.
For you are my peace.


Written by Stephanie Sophia
February 9, 2015