I am the Sea // Un Jeu du Patience

I write to keep a distance,
If I write in poetry.
But I recognize that I am
    the only one with my exact story,
    with my exact struggles,
    with my exact eyes.
It may be the only one
    I know enough to write.
So rather than taking my pen to escape,
    I think I’ll use it to paint.

According to some physical law,
    the more space, the less time;
    the more time, the less space;
    and time is relative.
I am relatively content that
My time in this space
Comes to its close.

People have been my puzzle;
Myself a piece and a puzzle within -
I prefer the French term: Casse-tête.
But unlike a hobby,
    I can’t break for a week,
    or even a day.
The best I can do is just get by myself.

I tell myself I will be content.
“I commit myself to contentment.”
But it’s a most difficult commitment,
When my cortisol rises.
    “I will not run;
    I will not rage.”
Still -
    still,
    still,
    still...
It gets restless in here.

What do you expect of me?
    I would hope for you to find refreshment here,
    Rather than a murky March mess.

Oh, what do you see in me?
    Am I a prism?
    Or a plain glass pane?
I hope you see me -

But if you don’t, 
I will show you.
A dance between guilt and gospel,
A dance between together and solitude,
    Between today and tomorrow,
    Between fullness and brokenness,
    Between discontent and self-control,
    Between song and quiet,
    Between together and near insanity.
    Between you and me -

I love you.
And I hope you can accept that I am the sea.
For you are my peace.


Written by Stephanie Sophia
February 9, 2015