Blue Canopy - January 16, 2015

I am afraid.
I am afraid of graduating.
I am afraid to leave Caronport; I am afraid to leave Moose Jaw.
I am afraid to be close with others.
I am afraid to move to a place and join a team that’s not transient.
I am afraid of commitment.
I am afraid of being known.
I want to be known.
I am afraid of not being known.
I am afraid to love Nancy.
I am afraid to say good-bye.
What am I so afraid of?
I am afraid to be vulnerable.
Why am I afraid to let my guard down?
Why do I need to be so busy?
Why do I feel that every hour needs to be filled with something deep and uber meaningful?
Why can’t I be satisfied?
Am I afraid to be bored?
I would like to be bored. I would like to bored and do nothing.
I would like to have someone to be bored and do nothing with.
I don’t want to discuss philosophy, the Bible, or theology.
I just want to rest.
I don’t want the pressure of having to be good.
I don’t want the pressure of having to be smart.
I don’t want the pressure of having to feel like I have it all together, everything figured out.
I do feel like a lot of things are really lining up, though.
And while I don’t see that changing any time soon, if everyone can look at me and think that I have it all together - not that I do, but sometimes I feel like I might even be able to convince myself - even if the whole world sees me one way, I hope that I can have a friend that I can be bored with.
And in that moment of being bored, I want to let the guards down.
My guards. Not anybody else’s. My guards.
I want to know that it’s OK to be a mess,
by having someone else affirm it for me.
I want to be with someone with whom I can be and just be.
I guess that’s it.
I guess that’s the kind of friend I hope for in Nancy.
I don’t think that’s fair to either of us.
I don’t want to care to impress anyone any more.
I just don’t know how to change that.