This Little Prism...

Sometimes I feel things, and as a response to these feeling an image comes to mind. Typically, in the past, when these images come to mind, I would try to draw them. That option is still valid; God had indeed given me some artistic abilities. More recently, however, I'm finding it easier to describe these things with words more than anything else.

So bear with me, I'd like to share this one with you.

Whole. Completeness. Authenticity. Should discussion on such topics arise, the probable result as a consensus would be that these are regarded as valued characteristics. There are some who will strongly advocate for these things and attribute them to who they are as people.

I would propose, that if it were possible to study the correlation between the thoughts of such people with their spoken words, a striking discrepancy would become very clear. In fact, every related antonym to the idea would likely hold dominance in actuality.

All this to say that I do not think of myself as the exception. If you're reading this, then you're obviously on my blog, and through that have a perception of who I am. I don't know what that is, and depending on who you are, how long you've been reading my posts, interacting with me, etc, etc - obviously this will cause a variance in your perception from the next person's.

Truth is truth, however, and whatever you're perception - it really doesn't matter when it comes to truth, because truth is true, and that's the way it works. I would like to think, and I hope, that if you're reading this maybe you have a clearer view into the way my mind works as oppose the everyday people I interact with every. day. By that I mean, that I hope you can see through me a little better, that you can see that when I say that I broken and not all together - I mean it.

I haven't even given you a glimpse of this image I have yet, but it starts with the truth that I am a project continually in the works, being restored by Jesus Christ to what I am meant to be. So if I appear broken at times, it's the truth. And the times when I seem whole, it's only by grace.

In my everyday life, however, I don't really think people see this brokenness. Perhaps its a shame, I don't know, but in general I'm probably seen as put-together, maybe never been hurt, doesn't really know pain or sorrow, stuff like that. Some of that may be true.

Here's the image. The sketch I have in my mind: imagine some big [mostly] empty space. Then there's me floating somewhere in the midst of it all, a smallish type prism shape. Maybe like a crystal or something, but somewhat shattered in shards. Some shards are bigger than others, some are smaller, but more or less this prism shape is there.

If you're looking at me from my angle and think I'm whole, don't fool yourself, you're just looking at a big shard. And this little prism doesn't exactly have control over where it's going, yet it keeps going. Its splintered form inspires a sort of fear. The fear is this, 'If I keep going, which I continue to do with no control, sooner or later, I'm gonna have to hit something'. If and when this little prism hits whatever it is that it's going to hit, helplessly, the smaller shards will be revealed.

Knowing that the time will come is bittersweet. I don't know what to expect in the vulnerability of it all. Exposed, not that I prefer to be hidden. It's like my greatest longing and fear all in the same breath and moment. Then what? I can't say.

I think I said I was the prism when I first started to described the scenario. More accurately, I think it would probably symbolize my image, as this is only my portrayal and not true identity. A tainted container, housing but one lonely person.

That's as far as the image goes. Not that I don't have Jesus. He is the great companion, and most definitely not the cause of any loneliness I may feel. Not that I'm a hermit or don't spend time with anyone. Rather that I don't let anyone in.

Honestly, the people who know of my blog are just about the only people who get this kind of access. I am not okay with this, but for the moment this is it. This is a very special place where I can write and say whatever I want or need. So thank you for letting me share this with you.

K, that's it for now I guess.