Pondering in Awe

The following will sound, at first, like this post is all about my money and finances, but you'll see that it's really about how sometimes you just need to stand in awe about how good God is. About a month ago I bought my macbook, which I'm typing on right now. But it was actually my dad who paid for it on his credit card, and then I'd have to pay him back when the bill would come, which is about now.

Lately, as in the winter time, McDonald's get slower, which leads to getting less hours. At least for me. I can't speak for anyone else. But none the less, there's a debt that needs to be paid. $3,300. That's for the computer, plus insurance, an iPod, iPod insurance, accessories, back up hard drive, and I'm sure other things as well. Now I know that that's a huge number, but I've been saving since like I first started working. I'm not a lunatic.

So I've been saving, but coming up to the time I didn't know whether I would be a hundred dollars short or something because of the loss of work time.

Normally, when I get paid I'll get a pay stub explaining how the amount deposited in my account came to be the number that it is. This is basically always every second Thursday, but this last time it was a day earlier. I think it had something to do with the day that Christmas fell on. I don't know how it works. Anyways, I didn't get a pay stub, it wasn't available when I asked for it, so I don't know how it happened but the last one was more than I think I've ever gotten at once.

After figuring out what I would give for a tithe, and transferring amount I've budgeted for the computer (my savings account), I looked at both my checking and savings accounts and saw that God was very good. I could write a check for 33 hundred to my dad and still have $25 in the savings account (enough to keep it open), $100 in my personal account (a solid amount to just have as back up or personal expenses, whatever they may be). And that's without considering the $115 that I've ended up with in my wallet after this Christmas. That's exactly what I need to go to snocamp next month.

Just in case you've missed it, I see grace written all over these numbers. My life is utterly dependent on grace, all the time. Especially because honestly, I am just a far cry from anything close to perfect. Really. Perfect people don't need grace. I think this is more clear when you get to look at my devotional habits. It's just bad, not good. Many areas as well, but I'll just mention that one for now because that's what I feel hurting me the most. Also though, indecisiveness is another thing. In this entry, I don't know have enough words/energy left to really write about it. But I'm thankful for grace. Financial grace. Spiritual grace. Life grace. Grace all over the place.

I don't even want to even say anything more because it just feels like so much work. But next year is always on my mind of the late. Do I go to college next year? Do I stay home another year? Do I even have enough time left to get a decent portfolio together? If I stay home another year, will that make it harder to go the year after? What am I even doing? Purpose? What is that? Does that have more to do with talent or passion? Does it matter? Shouldn't a person career or job be in sync with a person's purpose? Will people look at me as a failure if I don't go this next year? Can anyone one relate with this? No doubt, but I still have to face these questions.

Let me just copy and paste an email I sent to three people: my pastor, a very good friend who's about 20 extra years of wisdom packed into her than me, and another friend who I'm beginning to know and trust increasingly more.

_________________

Here it is:

Howdy y'all, haha,

So I've been thinking about going to some college for graphic design, which I guess seems well enough. I think that if I could put the work into getting accepted, then I could do fine with whatever the program offers. But I don't know, I can do well with art, and when I try I can even do really well. It's just that I'm really not all that passionate about it. Looking at other work and appreciating it is different than making the stuff yourself.

I can tell you what I love most. I love getting into the heads of other people and learning how they think, why they do the things that they do. I don't really know if I can go anywhere with that.

I would still like to apply and try and get a portfolio together to keep my options open but I'm not secure in going in this direction. I feel like there's been way too little prayer over such an important matter. I really don't wanna waste loads of money and like three years of my life, if it's only to put another tool in the bag and leave me nowhere.

Asides from getting a bigger pay check I don't see any reason why going to college is any better than staying at McDonald's. That's the other thing. I don't really think that I want to stay forever but at least for the time that I have now I really do love working there. I like it a lot. I love the people, I love being able to work as part of a team with them. I love how it's hands on. It's not boring, especially when it's busy. I've been able to build relationships with the people that I work with and even some of the regular customers. I know that [at least some] people can see that I'm different.

There's this one girl, Robin, I don't even know what to say. There was some 'are you a player?' quiz in the paper and I got to say something about how sex is for marriage. And she hates this other woman we both work with, and every time it comes up I try and say or communicate something to the point of loving people if they don't like you. I even think that just by not using the same dirtball language she uses, she's noticing.

She knows I'm a Christian and I've tried to talk to her about Jesus once. She's been asking that'd I'd tell her about stuff that comes up at church, like events and things. I don't think she's interested in Sunday stuff, at least not yet. It's hard though, because there's really nothing for the college and career age group right now. She's 22 and wouldn't exactly be able to fit into the youth group scene. I told her about sno camp but she said she wouldn't be able to afford it. Could there be some kind of guest discount? Maybe I could pay the rest of the way if she still couldn't afford it.

She's just one person I love. Then there's Hong, and Christina, and Jessika (sounds like Yessica, she's a Christian too), and lots of others too. I love them all sooo much.

So back to what I was trying to say. God's given me something really good here. And when I say that I'm thankful for being here, it's more than just being thankful for the pay check it lets me get. There's so many opportunities and I just don't want to give it up for some shaky idea in my head because it's the thing people are supposed to do. Does any of this even make sense? Is there anything to what I'm saying, or what am I even trying to say? I'm just aching for purpose and I feel like I have more purpose here than I've had anywhere. But I also want to be wise. I really just don't know anything, feel free to shed some light on the situation, if you want. If there's anything inconsistent or wrong in something that I've said, please talk with me.

Okay, that's all I think. Thanks.

_____________

I didn't reread it. I hope that there's nothing in there that shouldn't be on the Internet. I guess the whole thing shouldn't be up, but oh well.

My pastor's the only one to reply. He wrote "Hey,
Read your email, happy to talk, but want time to pray about a lot of what you wrote first. Give me a call in a couple of days."

I haven't called him yet. I've been busy with Christmas stuff but have every intention to talk with him as soon as possible. I'm very thankful that I have a pastor who wants to pray for me.

I expanded my thoughts on this earlier tonight, without writing them down. Nothing terribly profound though. No answers. And, by the way, this is related to what I had first began to write at the beginning, because first of all, no one thing in my life is isolated from anything else, and secondly, seeing the numbers work out before me is tangible evidence that God is in control, strengthening my faith that He has plans for me. And they're good; I have reason to hope.

I just can't wait to see how things will work out. But one day at a time, right? I should really be ending this soon so I'm not dead tomorrow. I'm at my grandparents house tonight, and just in a general way, my Papa said something like, "What we can't do today, we can do tomorrow, and what we can't do tomorrow, we can do Monday, and then again the next day." And I continued "And so on and so on". And then I thing he said something like: "But the important thing is that we get enough rest today, so that none of us gets sick". Then I wondered to myself whether that could be considered metaphorical or not.

Even though, I amaze myself with how long some of these end up being, I want to make the slightest effort to recapture the thoughts I was thinking earlier. If I don't, they'll be, at least mostly, gone by the time I wake up tomorrow. I am tired.

So next year is the thing at hand. Is McDonald's a waiting room or a home. I see problems, or uncertainties about going through with graphic design. I'm hesitant to call them doubts, but they may as well be. The biggest one of course being passion or lack therefor of it for it. Though I love where I am for the moment and know that it is very good, I just can't see it as home forever. So then what?

Well, I touched on it in the email. "I can tell you what I love most. I love getting into the heads of other people and learning how they think, why they do the things that they do. I don't really know if I can go anywhere with that." And that's like the tip of the tip of the iceberg.

I will quote from the movie Avatar "I see you". I love that movie btw, though some things trouble me about. I need to see it in 3d.

I wish I could say that to everyone. To strangers, to friends, to lots of people. I don't feel clever enough in this moment to describe all the people I wish I could say that to, but just lots of people. So let me explain what the quote means. "I see you", in the land of Pandora, they say is more like "I see into you", which to me comes across as "I know you" or even possibly as "I love you". That's to me, not to everyone, because that's just how I understand it. I would love to see everyone when they pull away their masks. I would love to see everyone see me with mine pulled away, and who they would be if our interactions were determined in complete independence of image, social ideologies, insecurities, stuff, whatever.

Anyways, I'm tired. I've been tired for a while now. I know there's more there, but it's not even coming out as well as it was coming out in thought a few hours ago. So I'll pull the pull on this little thing for now. Maybe work on the thought more tomorrow; it's important to me. Work it out on paper, then maybe do some copying. Somehow how things just turn out better on paper when I have energy than on here ever. And now my music's starting to replay. Kill me now, eh? I want to talk like that. I wasn't even planning on coming on here.... And the title makes no sense with everything that's been written rather that the earlier thought. Oh well. I'm not changing it now.

'Night!