And I might be too tired to write. I might not have the time to finish this before myself prescribed bedtime of 10 o'clock.
BUT. First of all I just want to congratulate Dragonfly. So far I have not heard any news. And for the moment I would like to just consider that irrelevant, even though it's not, because she's amazing and this pregnancy thing has done nothing but add to that, and I love her. I pray all is going well. I expect her to be born by the time anyone reads this anyways.
My thought for this, though, was simply that I'm giving up the idea of marriage. I"m eighteen, I'm single, I've never had a boyfriend, I'm a virgin, there's nothing wrong with me. That's probably too much to put out there, but true none the less. And yet I'm giving it up. I'm giving up the idea of children, and therefore also my dreams for sex within a marriage relationship, the way God intended it to be.
And here's my reasoning. It's too big for me; it's out of my control. Men are the ones who are meant to pursue. I suppose there are things I could do to draw more attention to myself. I suppose I could become more flirtatious, or this, or that. But I just want to be myself and that's who I would want whomever to be attracted to.
Honestly, I just don't want to put my hope in some future relationship just to be let down if it doesn't happen. I know that there's a time to give and to trust and to risk getting hurt and I think that's just fine. I'm just talking in general though. If I live to be in my 80s or 90s and no man is ever attracted to me, I don't want to feel like a failure because this dream never comes true. Whether I get married or not doesn't change my worth. Same thing with children.
My only choice is just to give it all to God, to Jesus. He is my dependency and my hope, and I am His bride.
It's out of my control whether I get married or not, whether any man I find pleasing should take interest in me or not. So my hope is in Jesus. I don't know if I'll ever be able to shut down the search system or my awareness of who's coming and going in my life, or stop thinking "maybe?"... Even if that would be best, even if that's what all this means I want.
You see, I desire relationships. Relationships of all kinds. I especially just like spending time with my church family. If perfect community and love could just happen there I truly believe that a desire for a spouse wouldn't be so great.
Right now, I would really just like to a few really close friends girls and/or guys who would just be willing to play a full game of Monopoly with me. Or just make some fun youtube videos with me. Or get involved in something outside of the church with me to draw outsiders to Jesus. At present, that's what I want more than anything.
Maybe one day that what my marriage will look like, but if it never happens I'm ok with that. Good on me. Though I can't recall it now, I know there's some passage in the Bible that says in essence that if you can bear not getting married then don't get married, but if getting married is all you can do to stop yourself from burning up in sexual passion, get married. Obviously, like any other living person, I have sexual passions, but I'll never let that control me.
I have more thoughts that I just can't seem to put together to make sense. I've reached my bedtime. So I'll close by just saying that for as long as I have the freedom of my independence, I'll enjoy it and be thankful for it. Should I get married I'll enjoy and be thankful for the gift of being able to give to another person and enjoy married people things. Either way, Jesus is God, He's in control, and all praise and thanks will forever be to Him. Amen?
Amen!
7 comments:
Good evening,at 18 years of age that is pretty early to be writing yourself off as unmarried/or unwanted. Just beausse we want something doesn't mean God isn't hearing you. Things happen according to his will not our will. He made us to be relational and God will put someone in your life. However, if we try to do it according to our will he gives us the free will to make our own choices. But then we have to live with our chioces if we end up with someone that God did not have planned for us. All part of free will.
As a side note for you, I didn't get married until 33 years old and then after dating almost 2 years. Had some interesting relationship before that when tried to rush things by my agrenda. Also had as out girl that became by wife almost 2 years before we dated, and had tried in that time to date copy others. Even was seeing someoone when we started getting interested in each other. After she had turned me dwon with a no way am I interested in going out with you.
Good luck be patient, trust in the Lord. And remember when we accept him as our Lord and God, Savior that we will be with him for the rest of eternity. Compare that time to 18 years. Also, as much as I love children, in my first year of marriage I was diagnosed with cancer. the treatment for it left me with sterile. It was another six years before we were approved to adopt a beautiful little girl, who has been one of the joys of my life.
God bless you and belss you with the gift of patience.
No, I know that you're right. 18 is awfully young to right something like this. But I was just writing what I was thinking about. It's one of those things that sits at the back of your mind, doesn't really concern you unless you let it.
Something to ponder about when you some relationships of others start and others end.
The other thing that I tell myself is that anyone can get married. If I ever wanted to get married, even now, it could be made to happen pretty darn quick. No doubt at all. There's all kinds of losers to find who'd agree quite easily. But the thing is being patient and doing things God's way. Waiting for someone who knows how to be the pursuer to come along and take an interest and who loves Jesus and knows how to be a leader takes patience. And whatever I wrote (I didn't reread it) I think that the essence of the thought was that that is the only choice I have unless I give up on the idea of marriage altogether. And the post was basically to state that realization.
Anyways, I don't really know who you are, but if you ever recheck this feel to comment.
Hi wasn't looking for anything that night, in fact just using the next blog button. However, something caught my eye to read all of it, not even sure what. Part was your title i think. About a 1 & 1/2 year ago i was going through some bad times at work. Knew something was right but to messed up to realize what. Part of it was my work was really messing me(wanted me to demote myself out of a position). Ended up at a MSW counselor's care and started being treated for depression. Pror to that did not think it was really a big deal. After one episode of feeling pretty bad and not caring if i fell over dead were i stood. To later in the same month feeling bad enough to want to kill myself. The only thing that stopped me was being out in the middle of 30 minutes from anything, not even cell phone service. Along with no vehicles coming down the road. i will always remember how bad/sad i felt but at the same time i felt totally out of control and a feeling of being outside my body going who is that and why are they doing it?
i have since realized that it is a serious illness, don't down play feelings, etc. Treatment, medication and scripture of gtten me away from that point. However, really tr to be more aware of what i see and hear in others. Not that thought was your case but wanted to make some kind of remarks in case your remark was a cry for help. No one heard mine and location had a lot to do with still being here. Along with billboard sign that read, Suicide is a permanant solution to a temporary problem. Yes my employer is still messing with me. Along with have a long term depression(working thourgh) also found out i have ADHD and Asperger's. Which mostly lead to my situation at work.
You are right it is better to wait for the one God has out there for us. Otherwise it is like the passage about unevenly yoked. Unmatched pair of oxen can not plow a field well and unmatched man & woman can not be effective for Christ or have as stable of a relationship. Uneven can be both a Christian and nonchristian or an older mature christian and a new younger in the Lord Christian. Do not fall into what often gets me in trouble LACK OF PATIENCE, not by our will but by his. So my sister in Christ i will keep an eye here and not just a wind in the night.
Mmhmmm... not by our will but by His. So true.
Just one other thing, thank you for commenting so that I could have the opportunity to clarify my thoughts.
Clarification. It's a good thing.
Not a problem. it has been interesting reading and indirectly chatting with you.
It is so easy to forget that God has in hand in everything and that no matter what choice we make, He will use those circumstances to give us opurtinutues to do share His work.
I have to confuse that your blog changed my wandering path that night. From your site I jumped over to your friend Dragonfly. That young lady has done a lot of growing lately and could of turned away from God but she is still there. To bad she didn't have any pictures of her baby up yet. i hope when she runs into more struggles she continues to turn to God.
Feel free to comment back if anything else you want to talk about.
Well I'm not sure that I do for the moment but if you keep checking back I'll keep trying to post stuff. It's easier when I think that someone might read what I post.
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