It feels like I've got a million friends that have never understood me. It's not a question of who I am anymore, but more why no one can see through me, why no one sees me the way I see myself... or rather the way God sees me. Well, I guess no one will ever see the way He does.
Here it is: Africa 2007, one thing I was really looking forward to, was getting close to some people on my team and really being good friends with them, while serving God and just hanging out, stuff like that. Well that never really happened for me. I mean, sure there's stories of some of the things we did together and all, but if there's nothing more than stories in our friendship than what's it worth, y'know. It seemed like the sarcastic comments never ended on the trip. None of them were supposed to mean anything, but I was hurt anyways, mostly by Morgan. I've got nothing against her and I'm not mad at her at all. Maybe it was wrong to expect great friendships to come of the missions trip. And just all the little things that happened that really shouldn't matter, like how everybody fell in love with Adam's funny personality and when he wasn't around said things like "I'm glad he's on our team, I wasn't expecting him to be such a great guy to have around", I just wonder if anybody thought anything like that about me when I wasn't around. I will never regret going to Africa, especially not because of that, but that expectation was deffinitely blown...
Away from Africa now, I just feel like my quietness has built a wall around me and I'm trapped, and seperated from everybody else. Maybe it's my unwillingness to share what I'm really feeling that's making me feel so lonely, maybe real friends would pop out of nowhere if I only made myself more "readable", but I honestly have no idea how to do that. I really just want even one real friend (aside from Jesus) who I can rely on, go over to their house to hang with and pray too, just to do whatever. A best friend, someone I can be myself around. The closest person to that I've had is Lisa. She'd always be willing to hang out, just us two, not needing anybody else to have fun and always willing to listen to what I had to say. I don't spend hours and hours and hours making graffiti things as wedding gifts for just anybody. She's really special to me and I'm going to keep our friendship as strong as possible even now that she's living in Saskatshewan, but let's just say hanging out really isn't a possiblility anymore.
Aside from all those exhausted words, I guess what I need to do is face my fear of rejection, and take a risk, try to be more of a friend to other people to get more friends . That probably makes me sound a whole lot less friendlier than I really am and it's deffinitely a lot easier said than done, as they say, that's for sure. And I really have no idea whether that's really what I need to do or not. I'm just praying that something changes along the way, maybe me, maybe the people around me. The words from Jarsofclay's song Good Monsters, are true though, "Nothing ever changes, nothing ever changes... by itself". This is no conclusion at all by the way, I have no idea what will happen next and it's deffinitely all in God's hands. I'm hoping that the way I'm seen is someone worth loving and someone worth getting to know and someone worth being friends with and being honest with and eveything like that too, because that's what I am.
1 comment:
i just came across your blog, and this post blessed me a lot.
i've always felt similarly to how you've expressed your feelings in this post. i've always felt like people don't really get me, like there's so much more to me that i wish people understood. i've never felt like i belonged anywhere. i've had friends, one i've been friends with since we were 5 yrs old. but even there, i sometimes feel...alone.
i think i'm a really friendly person too, but don't seem to draw friends to me that easily. it hurts sometimes because i don't understand it. but a conversation with my mother one day encouraged me a lot.
my mother told me that she sees a lot of herself in me. when she was younger, she never really blended it either, never really had a lot of friends, not because she wasn't nice, but just...because.
and she said that sometimes, God separates some people for whatever reason. He sometimes purposely sets you apart from others, where people aren't going to understand you, where you won't fit in a lot - even amongst your Christian friends.
i know that as a follower of Christ, i will never fit into the "world," but i also find that in my Christian circles, i still feel...different, alone. i'm not sure why that is. but i hope it encourages you! i understand :-)
God bless you.
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